NEOPHYTE NEUROMANCER

video experiment version 6 compressed

2008-05-04T03:40:00.000-07:00

FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO CONVERT VIDEO INTO VARIOUS FORMATS AND HOW TO
CHANGE FRAME SIZE AND COMPRESSION, SO THE VIDEO CAN BE UPLOADED TO YOUTUBE, AND OTHER SITES AS WELL. SONY VEGA, AN OLDER VERSION, DOES THE JOB VERY NICELY.
THERE'S MUCH MUCH MORE TO LEARN ABOUT AND EXPLORE WITH THIS NEW MEDIUM,
AT LEAST, SPEAKING FOR MYSELF. I WILL ALSO EXPLORE MORE OF THE WONDERFUL FEATURES OF ADOBE ILLUSTRATOR CS3 WHEN TIME PERMITS.

D3viant 3xperiment short experimental video

2008-04-26T22:09:00.000-07:00

Mr. Happy enjoys watching the arrow and movements on the computer screen.
I've been playing around this evening with Sony Vega which is much like
Sony Acid Pro which I'm very familiar with. This gives me the capacity to
render my graphic designs, photographs and music tracks into video format
and allow these various expressive mediums to synchronize with one another.

The shortened edited video and remixed track of Chaos2345, is only 15 seconds, as
I've not installed video compression software as of yet. This only allows about 100 megs.
Even to produce about a 1 minute video from still images and graphics has
taken me about 3-4 hours to figure out a few essentials, as I've been only teaching myself
Sony Vegas as of this evening after the initial installation.

The weather in this part of Nebraska has turned a bit chilly and rainy, and definitely outdoor grilling is out of the question, at least it was last night and today, evening.....It is a good chance to get back to creative outlets in this way though.

How long will this take to upload this I wonder and also will the soundtrack also be heard too?
Oops, accidentally attached the file over 300 megs...no wonder it wasn't uploading properly. Eheheheheee...

I'm very excited!!!

Home PC crash...erases entire hard drive January 2008

2008-04-25T15:13:00.000-07:00

Mom gets some music dvd type media from her relatives in the Ubon Ratchathani, no wait, Yasothon, area of Thailand that we visited July of last year. Then, upon further inspection, and answers to why the dvds would not play in any cd or dvd player or computer in their household, I found the media type as a vcd, video cd. I bring it to my abode and proceed to play it in vlc media player, and it plays just fine (6 hours worth of traditional Thai music in the form of a variety show and skits), then lo and behold, the anti-virus pops up 30 seconds later, and finds 2 viruses in a row!!! Next thing I know, computer goes wacky so I try to restart, but then, upon trying to log into my computer, it automatically logs me back out. Then I proceed to get on the laptop to find out what to do.

So instead of having brother Sean, who now works as a network specialist for a bank here, take a look at my computer, I proceed to let it gather dust for 2 or 3 months, surviving on the laptop with the plug in speakers.

Most of my graphic design and music production/editing software programs were on this computer by the way, along with many many gigs of music samples. Fortunately, I had recently backed up or transferred to the laptop, ALL of my art work, personal photos, music, movies downloaded and so on, before this event occurred.

Old "Delly" is up and running again, as Sean, the computer genius and kind brother that he is, took apart the case, cleaned it out, took out some unnecessary, unused components and reinstalled the original operating system, and we both took turns with all of the updates since...oh, 3 or so years worth...hehehe.

I've not had a chance to reinstall the graphic design or music software yet, but am excited to work on some new designs and music. There are a lot of tracks for Trochrex that need to be uploaded to lastfm.

Also, I've been lax on posting here, and will try my hand with wordpress, as I am probably a bit bored with myself here. I believe they also have 3 gigs for photos and videos, with the free version...maybe.

I just don't want to bite off more than I can chew, and believe that there's a bit more chewing and swallowing to do, in the realms of art and music. Sure is mighty tasty though!!

Cheers!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 2008

2008-01-01T10:19:00.000-08:00

happiness is felines

2007-12-17T19:07:00.001-08:00

Happy Holidays.....and so on and so forth...

2007-12-17T18:19:00.000-08:00

I've not been hanging around on the net too much, this past month. A new family member in this humble household has had me quite busy, and with the various holidays here, all sorts of happenings in life going on in and around....well, very busy for many people.

The mall shootings that occurred in Omaha a few weeks ago, and the passing of the cuddly wuddly doggy brother of mine...stirred up emotions not felt in a long while. Not even the passing of friend Jared in September, stirred up as much waves as with Gizmo being gone.

It's not that I don't feel empathy for another's pain and sufferings, or of the awareness of the chaos in the world, not that...maybe it's because I realize that there's also joy and happiness, even in the midst of terrible loss and tragedy. Death and passing is a constant reminder of the preciousness of life and existence. So one always tries to do the best that one can, no matter what circumstances we are faced and confronted with.

Welcome back to the USA Jaya!

Happy Holidays, Happy Solstice and Merry Christmas to everyone!!

Gizmo-san passed away last night

2007-12-08T16:38:00.000-08:00

Gizmo, my little "doggy brother" passed away last night at my parent's home.

The news was broken to my nieces and they took it hard as well.

He was not even 3 years old, and passed away from complications with his kidneys.

Gizmo loved squirrels, treats, barking at people from inside the house anywhere near "his house" that were outside. He also loved going outside and running around, going for walks, hugs and cuddling from his family.

He will be missed by all, including his "kitty brother and kitty sister", Denal and Happy, and his aunt Supa.

Jared and Kan September 2006 pic ATX

2007-12-01T18:44:00.000-08:00

This was the first and last time that I'd met Jared in person in Austin, TX. Before this we'd only kept in touch by phone and emails, giving one another feedback and encouragement on our music projects and graphic designs. Jaya had just returned from his travels and from Burning Man. After this, Jared and I stayed in touch via phone and the net......

I'm listening to his music on his tribute page that Jaya created for him...This brings back some memories and gives me a sense of who he was all about and the beauty that he left through his creations with music and art.

variations for new D3viant 3xperiment art work

2007-11-24T21:35:00.000-08:00

busy with new friend Happy Dharma

2007-11-24T08:24:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the spider close up, hehe.
New friend and love Happy with "big kitty bro'" Denal, happily frolicking and playing...
Life is sweet and happy for everyone here...and busy too...

Thailand trip photos via video

2007-11-03T00:32:00.000-07:00

The crisp cool winds of fall have arrived with the weather around 23 degrees this evening, early morning. My extended family and kindred-spirits have made it safely to Europe. You may catch glimpses of their travels, adventures, stories and tales at Vagablogging Ye Olde World.

Meanwhile as the memories of Thailand and finding my relatives after 3 decades are sharp, detailed and clear are available to the conscious mind, they should be set to words of remembrance.

The photos in set 1 video are not in any particular order, since mom wanted copies so that she could place on disc, print for photo books, send copies of prints to our relatives back in Thailand.
Most of them did not know English or understood very little, but some of my cousins know and can read, write and speak a little, which is very helpful. Mom's sisters and brothers have limited education, but the ones who live out in the rural areas are very resourceful and know how to live off of the land. They may have little in possessions but that is an aspect they are not concerned with. As long as they have food, water, shelter, their family and neighbors are well, they seem to be happy.

This 25 mb video of photos is taking a little longer to process but should still be worth viewing. There is only about 1 gig for photo albums through Picasa, so maybe putting them in this format will save some time uploading all photos individually.

It's almost 3:30 am here and I've been up almost 24 hours, but ever since glancing at the Vagablog, seemed to put more wood for the creative fires, plus it is the weekend.

My niece Jaide is turning 13(?) already this Sunday, so if she is not busy I may have to take her shopping or make an mp3 disc for her to place in her ipod. She worked very hard detassling this summer, to be able to purchase it. At first she wanted a laptop, something like mine, however, since she lives about 12 miles or so, in a township, outside of Columbus, they don't have much for internet service, maybe dial up, and that's no fun when you can't even get wireless or high speed cable internet service.

Here's crossing fingers that video uploads and processes properly for the 3rd time...is supposed to be the charm?!

a few photos, designs, renderings 2006-2007

2007-11-02T19:36:00.000-07:00

favorite Thai blogs so far

2007-10-27T14:38:00.000-07:00

Since there's this air of weekend laziness abounding here, thought to just post the links to favorite Thailand and Asian web logs, which keeps the homesickness and wanderlust at bay for a few moments or so!! Hope you will enjoy them as much as I do!!

Isaan Style and Life and Times in Ubon Ratchathani are actually from my hometown and birthplace of Ubon, Thailand, so of course, they're on top of the list. Another enjoyable one from Taiwan is TheNHBushman, which also has fabulous photos, great information and my favorite, photos of food and barbecue, and outdoors, environment!! There's lots of other ones that primarily focus on food and restaurants or in Thailand in general, but as time allows and also as editing and rearranging of the many blogs started, there will be general categories for this as well.

Xanadu

2007-10-27T11:11:00.000-07:00

Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Kubla Khan
OR, A VISION IN A DREAM.
A FRAGMENT.

Coleridge's published note and another note on its composition

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree :
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round :
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree ;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.

But oh ! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover !
A savage place ! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover !
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced :
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail :
And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred river.
Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean :
And 'mid this tumult Kubla heard from far
Ancestral voices prophesying war !
The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves ;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice !
A damsel with a dulcimer
In a vision once I saw :
It was an Abyssinian maid,
And on her dulcimer she played,
Singing of Mount Abora.
Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me,
That with music loud and long,
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome ! those caves of ice !
And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Beware ! Beware !
His flashing eyes, his floating hair !
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of Paradise.

Autumn of 1797 or (more likely) spring of 1798, published 1816, 1828, 1829, 1834

(proofed against E. H. Coleridge's 1927 edition of STC's poems and a ca. 1898 edition of STC's Poetical Works, ``reprinted from the early editions'')

sleep and rest is good

2007-10-27T09:56:00.000-07:00

Not sure which wat, temple my uncle took us to for this photo. Last night slept for almost 10-11 hours, after a long week and getting back into the swing of things, after being ill for 2 weeks.

Gaea and Jaya will soon be on their way to Europe, and everyone else is busy with their own lives scattered across the states and around the world. Wonder how my relatives in Thailand are doing. Mom gets a letter or phone call once in a while, as it takes about 3 weeks to correspond by mail, and surely international calls are expensive.

Here, it seems that life and time are in suspension, as life is mostly slow and parallel to the environment and weather, as if all people are stuck in a time warp, some dating back to the 1800's. It's as if this area of the world with it's rural populace is in a cocoon, sheltered from the rest of the workings of the world, unaware of all of the changes that continually happen.

Perhaps since the trip abroad to Asia only a few months ago, there's this realization that the world is bigger than the narrow scope of certain viewpoints, in this small mid west town.
My dreams and realities are vast and expansive now because of those experiences in Thailand.

more pix

2007-10-27T09:48:00.001-07:00

photos from Thailand trip

2007-10-27T09:45:00.001-07:00

oops

2007-10-26T22:01:00.000-07:00

Silly me and putting too many photos that run into each other....unless it's just the meds, and mild hallucinations. Happy belated birthday to Natalie too!! Sooner or later the mess shall be corrected, maybe later.

label, fried banana, but is fish, unknown spring roll content

2007-10-26T20:30:00.000-07:00

was I'sickisupa, mostly recovered....

2007-10-26T19:40:00.000-07:00

Been ill for 2 weeks with pneumonia, and laryngitis and am slowly but surely recovering nicely. Lost about 10-15 lbs. since this last July as well. Since this very very strong prescription cough medicine is kicking in, thought to try posting a little, and playing around with this dandy motion eye camera built in with this wonderful Sony VAIO laptop, that I'm in love with....along with long drawn out sentences and lack of grammatical structure. Not sure exactly when or where all of the days and dates have been all mixed up, oh wait, when one is semi-conscious and fighting off infections and having high fever for over a week....yes, maybe this brain is a little fried, no wait, it is this tasty cough suppressant.

About 2 weeks ago, mom, pop and I went to Grand Island for a little shopping and mom took us to this Laotian owned Asian grocery store, that is a lot more organized and has way more selection of food products and cook ware, and fresh produce, than the other one we were going to, which is owned by a Thai couple, whose store happens to be about a block away. The Thai Asian store isn't open as long during the weekend. So I stocked up on Golden Mountain Soy Sauce, and bought cook ware to make sweet rice (sticky rice), and can be used to steam veggies and other such yumminess, and also bought a mortar and pestle, something to grind herbs, veggies and such, into other tasty yumminess. Also bought lots of different types of dried and canned mushrooms, and noodles, fish sauce, curry......Mom has been teaching me how to cook Thai and Asian style foods, sauces, though because of being sick, I've not had much of a chance to cook much.

Incidentally, my little doggy brother Gizmo, EwokGizmo was also sick and was at the vets for the weekend, something wrong with his kidney. They thought he might have to be put to sleep, so while I was severely sick, I also worried about him, but the both of us pulled through and are doing very well and feeling great.

The motion eye camera makes the photos flip sided, backwards?, so it is a little odd to view oneself in that way, but it is very cool. Reminds me of the photos Jaya has been taking with his PSP, is that right? The little one with GPS.....built in wifi, ugh.....lost train of thoughts....

Goodnight, wait, the list of what needs to be done, music projects moved to lastfm, more photos to Picasa of Thailand trip, latest music and movie loves, Xanadu the movie and soundtrack, ELO, the band, Olivia Newton John, eh he he...and these swell little laptop Philips speakers with a nice extra bass, even for such tiny speakers, helps a lot with music production, or watching movies/videos, and listening to music, plus, they don't require batteries either....on sale for about $8, how about that eh?? Also, to curb my wanderlust and slight homesickness for Thailand, been reading several blogs with people who live in my hometown of Ubonratchathani, Thailand, and other places in Asia, with photos of unusual foods, like these fat cricket looking bugs, fried, yummy, fried fat crunchy buggies!!

There's so much to do, so many photos to share and more stories.....blaaarrrghhh, so much to edit and refresh....oxygen....fresh oxygen is nice....

EwokGizmo Jub jub, my photoshop masterpiece

2007-09-30T19:39:00.000-07:00

Last night started work on the latest D3viant 3xperiment singles album Lotus Seeds. The first track is approximately 13 minutes in length, and is dedicated to Jared Newby.

This photoshop is for my mom and my little doggy brother, Gizmo, and to all forms of ewoks and gremlins around the globe.

Mr. Kitty and the beavers

2007-09-29T20:48:00.000-07:00

As info and data are downloading there's a little spare time for what's been neglected, no wait, not neglected, but "not having many moments to actually sit down and blog".

That's not an excuse to be gone from ye olde bloggy world for almost a year, but there's no shame or guilt felt here.

Lately, the last few weekends, friends have been invited for barbecue, movies and a little conversation, here at the mini-haven, that is rural Nebraska.

It's been nearly 2 months since I've fulfilled my dream of going back to my homeland and birthplace in Ubon Ratchathani, Thailand, and finding my maternal side of the family. Fortunately, mom still remembered the area where her relatives, siblings, were last to have resided, some 30 odd years ago, along with an old photo, and lo and behold, her brother Vinit still lived in the same house, right near the Moon River. The neighbors even remembered me when he was taking care of me when mom went to the USA with her American husband. Anyway, I'm just going to skip back and forth through events as the memories of the whole adventure leap in the forefront of my mind.

I'm overjoyed to have been able to meet my aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, the people in the village who helped watch over me, when I was young. Mom even has another sister, making 3, who was adopted by people who had money, and I guess lives in Bangkok with her husband and family. Apparently, when my grandparents passed away, my mom, since she was the oldest and only around 14 years old, couldn't take care of everyone so they were put in foster homes etc. On a very sad note, one of my cousins passed away in a drowning accident about 3 years ago, and was maybe around my nieces age, 13?? So that was very sad, but I did get to hang out with her friend Keng, who was hanging out at my aunt Bunmi's home in Buriram, and even went to see some amazing historical sites, sanctuaries, built around 1,000 years ago. What a wonderful and amazing experience we had that my aunt and her family took us to see these places!!!

I really miss them all a lot, and I miss Thailand and being in Asia. It's not that I'm ungrateful for the privileges and modern conveniences of having what I have and being given opportunities that many people don't have, it's just that 2 weeks is NOT enough time to be with those you love and care for, and to know that you're so far away from them, and Thailand, as a land, my beautiful homeland.

Living from a suitcase and small backpack (mostly small back pack with hip bag, camera, passport tote), really was enjoyable, as I had everything I needed with me, except for my laptop, but that was for the best, since the amount of traveling and hiking, being in areas where laptops are basically useless and extra weight, turned out to be a good thing. I had my camera with me with extra memory cards as well. As long as I had my Visa/Mastercards and debit card with me, no problems with money either.

There was a large banner in one of the airports, that stated something to the effect of "The world is more interesting with an open mind.", and that was either Narita in Tokyo, or Suvarnabhumi, in Bangkok, which has been in operation since September 2006. BKK/VTBS has very distinguished architecture and is the case of most international airports in many parts of the world, is very busy!!

Some people have said that they'd never get used to the climate in Thailand and in other parts of Asia and southern regions of the globe, BUT, I know that I can, have and will, again, when I go back to Thailand. Tokyo is another location I'd love to stay at for a while as well!!!!!!!!!!

There are a lot of people in this town, that live very sheltered lives, even though they have easy access to computers, education, and other resources available to them that could give them insight to the rest of the world, and other cultures, places, countries. Even if a person couldn't afford to go to a great university, one could easily do research and teach oneself many many skills, that could be applied to real world situations. This is one of the reasons why my preference for my computers/internet seems much more advantageous to me, than having a television set. I'm not saying that television is entirely bad, but unfortunately I don't have much to say about reality tv shows and commercials, or being obligated to be seated on my butt waiting for some show to come on. Television is just not my opiate as it was when I was young, naive, and unable to make conscious decisions or form independent thoughts, and become responsible for myself and my own life. This is why, if one has broadband internet, one should take into account the benefits of streaming media, especially if you like a few decent series on television, sans the annoying commercials.

A guy at the laundromat last night, said he'd wondered why people didn't bring their laptops while they're doing laundry, since he saw me working on mine, but I only said "No wi-fi hotspots available around here." It's true. There's a few, but those are at hotels. What also crossed my mind was that the only other people I've seen with laptops, are my brother's friends who use them for video gaming (mostly because they live at home with their parents, or their parents or grandparents are financially well off, and generous!), or professionals who use them in their offices and when traveling, or people like myself and my other friends, who find that we use them for many many purposes, and that they are portable, and a lot easier to lug around than a pc!!!

Last night was a 3:am night and early morning today, with a lot accomplished in those spaces and places. There's much more designing to do, cds' to mp3 format, backing up data, watching some new movie releases, letting some tasty food marinade for cooking/grilling later, AND, the change tin netted about $61.00 in extra cash, that's been sitting around doing nothing, but now, it's something useful.

Life is great, my place is clean, laundry done, dishes done, computers running smoothly, hey it pays to clean them out once in a while too. Also, I've lost between 5-10 pounds, since July, and even though there's been some tremendous shifts in this plane and existence, with Jared being gone, there really is hope still, and there's no denying that the juxtaposition with light and dark can never be ignored, hope still emerges. It's almost hard to believe that the situation in Myanmar/Burma has happened, and that there are millions of people all over the world who struggle for survival, and for freedom. One can never lose hope for a better tomorrow for everyone and everything.

Remembering Jared E. Newby

2007-09-26T19:15:00.000-07:00

Jaya has been working very hard on collecting the works of Jared and his many "entities", as a music producer and graphic artist. Jared passed away September 4th of this year. He was only 32 years old. He produced a huge amount of music in a very short frame of time via Trochlear Recordings, Jaya being co-owner and fellow music producer/artist. Though I have only met him 1 time in person, and have spoken with him several times via phone, and through emails, I considered him a close friend. You see, I found his brutal honesty about himself as something we had in common, and also his passion for music and graphic design. That's something rare in a person and friend, a brother and kindred spirit.

I'll be "editing" and rearranging this particular blog to include links to his archived works and the memorial website that Jaya has been creating to honor him and his life. Also, when there are a few spare moments, I'll also be editing the other web logs I've created as well.

Here's the web page/site link Jaya created for his parents.

Jared Emmanuel Newby.

Cheers to you my friend, we celebrate your life and how you've touched us with light, with love always, Supa.

cleansing

2007-09-19T20:01:00.000-07:00

As of yesterday, I've decided to cleanse my whole entire being by quitting the consumption of alcohol, even if wine and beer are delicious. Last night I drank 1 cup of green tea and 4-5 cups of chamomile tea. Who knows how long this will last, most likely into next year, spring, perhaps. Something of a change is necessary, especially after returning from Thailand a few months ago. Everything has changed. I feel the need and urge to get back into shape again....especially with that Buddha belly I've acquired over the last few years, ehehe.

Jaya and Gaea, Ryan will be in Europe for about a year or more, and I've been also pondering about a few mini jaunts in the USA, by myself to here and there. Also, I really want to concentrate on the music production and graphic design aspects of my life and have been working less hours at my second job because of this desire and need to create and be productive again.

I've also been told that Jared Newby, aka Mushuto, ECR and so on, with Trochlear Recordings, has passed away, about the beginning of September, and really, I've been expecting it, as he was and has been very ill ever since we'd met in person last year, about this time, when I was in Austin, TX. It really was no surprise and hopefully he did not suffer or was in pain.

Tonight took a lot longer to finish things up at the court house, and even though I didn't get much sleep last night, this morning when I woke up, I felt awesome!!! The young girl Maria, took a lot longer than expected, but we got the job done.
I'm so glad to have my full weekends off plus Monday and Tuesday evenings off as well!!!!

I'm going to start researching what steps are necessary to get back to Thailand again, even if it's only for a few months or so at a time, or what it would take to become a citizen of Thailand and USA.....I've even thought of checking out jobs and condos in Bangkok, and the many web logs by ex patriots and others living there, and even in Ubonratchathani, just gives me so much useful tips and information. Last night ran into a web log about all of the FOOD in Thailand, various restaurant reviews, some logs about Thai and other Asian dishes, recipes, complete with ingredients and PHOTOS.....makes my mouth water thinking of it all.

Holy crap, this scary Japanese horror movie playing in the background just made me jump. It's called Apartment. Last night I viewed Bugs (Ashley Judd nekkid), The Bourne Ultimatum, and The Locker. The Locker was another Japanese horror movie....not as scary and heart pounding as The Eye.

Tomorrow is my birthday but it's just another day really. I'm not too especially thrilled. When I turn 40.....I'm gearing towards being in Thailand or toodling around in another country again....hmmmm....maybe many other countries eh??!!

Ah....sky is the limit!!!

My cousin is so adorably cute!!!!!!!! She even said that I was "good looking" and it wouldn't be hard for me to find a boyfriend....harharhahrraaarrrr....little does she know.....sigh.

Time for shrimp and tea.

friggin awesome, love ya AI CS3!!!!!

2007-09-16T17:32:00.000-07:00

adobe illustrator cs3 up and running

2007-09-16T17:19:00.000-07:00

yeh

2007-09-16T08:59:00.001-07:00

me at park in my hometown, Ubonratchathani, Thailand July 2007

2007-09-11T16:47:00.000-07:00

If you look closely, you will notice that I'm sporting my "big happy Buddha belly". This indicates a love of life and my favorite part of a Thai heritage, eating delicious Thai (and American) food!!!! American food actually includes cuisines from many different cultures and countries around the globe!!! What better way to "taste" variety and curry of life....through foods from everywhere.....this includes wines, beers and beverages. Yummy!!! This photo is at a park and when I figure out where, I'll let you know!!

D3viant 3xperiment

2007-09-11T16:37:00.000-07:00

oooohhh aaaaaahhhhh

2007-09-09T05:31:00.000-07:00

Greetings and salutations bloggy world, it has been a long time for postings. I've been on a long long vacation, journeyed back to my birthplace in Ubon Ratchathani, Thailand, and even made a pit stop to Tokyo, Japan, stayed in Bangkok for a few days too.

This year I've learned a lot about myself and about others and the world, and apparently others have told me, they've learned from me as well.

I've finally found myself again, and it's great to be back!!!!

"random tidbit" post copy

2006-08-23T21:24:00.000-07:00

http://www.myspace.com/weroy

Was looking at Mademoiselle Marquee's space site and found this rather
great comment/quote from Arundhati Roy, her link is provided above...one wonders, is there such thing as randomness or do we consciously as well as unconsciously determine and steer our own threads of being/existence (universal mind lattice)on the invisible paths in life that connect us to everyone and everything?!

"To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget." - Arundhati Roy

WildOrchids7b3 design & compositing plus 2 more tracks produced

2006-08-22T19:28:00.000-07:00

Think the decision to do a "singles" album and
create another myspace music account just for
showcasing various styles or experiments, would be an excellent choice.

7 days off with paid vacation begins Thursday,
however 1 to 2 days is for the mechanics to
figure out exactly what is wrong with my vehicle. I know there are other problems with
it albeit minor annoyances but it needs to be
dealt with before the trip to Austin in September, AND before the winter sets in. Instead of going to Omaha to visit old friends
and do some "catching up" with as many
people as possible, it seems as if the music
is calling to be created and produced. The call
of photography, digital compositing and visual
design is quite strong as well.

Oh yes, and because of a certain very very
cute someone from Florida with the flower
thing...., makes me think of two warm (preferably myself and her), soft, naked, intertwined women and hot hot sex...
mmmmmmm....need more tissue, hehehe.

Remixed a new track from last night and third time
was the charm. It is "Deneb2a" at 7min 19 seconds.
Another new track finished today "Freedombreaks" is more of experimental
breakbeat-ish style with some brief but nice male and female
voice samples in there. Some good shit!!!

My secret to making and producing music is to have fun, enjoy
oneself, not restrict oneself, and most of the music produced
so far is actually improvised. The many years of mixing music
with hardware instead of software, plus the true love of most
styles or "genres" or whatever one may call it, MUSIC, has
really fueled the passion for what I'm doing now. It is
always great to challenge oneself and do it all freeform, just
as it is with visual designs/digital compositings. True freedom
is being able to express oneself and go beyond one's own
expectations. Many music producer friends, DJs' from the oldschool
days still don't try to push the boundaries of, what goes with this, and
I've even been told in the past that, "you can't mix house with techno or
breakbeat" or "you can't play with cd players, only vinyl records!" and
I'm thinking...why the fuck can't you ?! NOW the same people that
told me what not to do, are doing what I DID back in the day of when
I was being a Mixmistress at the parties, raves etcetera.

Things are different now and I'm making music that I want to
one day play and mix a nice set to, at Burning Man and other
places. Why not?! What do I have to lose? Absolutely nothing!
In fact, that is how all of the girly women groupies found me!
Nothing is better at exposing a cutey pie like me to a bunch of
hot sweaty dancing mostly cute chicks, like being one of the only
female DJ's or music producers at a party!!! Whoot whoot!
SO much fun had, and will be had. Everything is coming together
and dammit, I deserve it, happiness, fulfillment, love, sex and beauty!

RSS, I like your paintings, artworks on your site. Did you do those?!

This is the third night been too busy to get proper rest. Too excited
and a bit sexually frisky with no cute and sweet gal to be frisky with!!!
Thank the forces for tissues...hehehe.

All the Burners and Playas' are getting in gear for Burning Man!!!
I can't wait for my first experience there. There is just SO MUCH
in life to look forward to. Every day brings new opportunities, surprises,
and dammit I'm grateful and thankful that I'm alive and enjoying life
and all that it brings. The Universe, she is mysterious and rewards
the giving of self and reciprocates with richness beyond material treasures.

Universe moves through you.

Peace love and light!!

My myspace music links oh my...

2006-08-21T19:29:00.000-07:00

HALUSIN8 www.myspace.com/halusin8nymph1
S8pience www.myspace.com/s8pience
Pranakatana www.myspace.com/pranakatana

S8pience has 2 new tracks "3rd3y3" and "Rising Force2(Mix 2)"

Pranakatana has 1 new track "Patrick Bateman's Theme"

Enjoy the bloody goodness!

Three new music tracks completed today!!!!!

2006-08-20T19:47:00.000-07:00

Started and completed three new music tracks today. Rising Force (Mix 2) and 3rd3y3 are tracks for the S8pience project. Patrick Bateman's Theme is the first track for the Pranakatana project. PBT is a bit more darker, grungier, almost like what a panicking victim would be doing when they encounter a Bateman-like individual, which is of course, running away screaming!!!

As of yet, they've not been uploaded into the myspace music accounts or in the lotusutra account. That shall be done tomorrow. Each track is over 6 minutes long.

Okay, I'm so absolutely enthralled with these new tracks and the prospects of making even more music, hopefully the mind doesn't keep me up all night, for 5am and a 9 hour physically
exhausting job (which I love by the way) comes by way too fast. Now that is because dreams of making music and beautiful women, hey, making beautiful music with beautiful women!! Sweet. Actually before losing this train of thought, I'd just realized that most of my music is music that I would get up and dance to at a really good party, club, or at Burning Man!!! That is also the DJ and Mixmistress part of me that may be slumbering at the moment, but she is still alive and well and waits for her moment to play and mix my own music, so that all peoples from all places, all of the gaiatribes from everywhere will dance together in the intoxicating beats and orgasmic music, the cycles of movement and sounds touching deep within the heart and soul, of every individual....uniting all of us in sonic ecstacy!!!! How else can you put people in trance like states even without any sort of drugs whatsoever? Music baby music, and great beats. Music evolution...neoevolution, transformation, revolution!!
Uniting the gaiatribes through music because music transcends physical boundaries and all languages. Music speaks directly to the heart if only people would listen.

Also more sonic ingredients were gathered SO there will be more tracks this week!!
What a splendid and productive weekend indeed. Now it is off for snoozing as
the silent glowing faeries of sleep throw their pixie dust into my eyes and wish
for me to catch up on sleep for a long long arduous week of physical endurance at
the "clam shop". If only they'd barter in clams...fresh clams are tasty.

Peace love and light, smooches too...and hugs, huge huge hugs.
Goodnight!

If and only if boredom ever sets in...

2006-08-20T06:19:00.000-07:00

Found your 1001 node Jaya (linked you brother!), which expands and connects to many others!
As far as my own re-vamping and organizing my other sites...maybe if there is
ever anything that comes close to boredom around these parts, I shall do it.
Don't really think life for me is ever boring no matter what is going on.
Getting everything set for the Austin trip very early. Much to do, much excitement abounds.
YES! "This is only the beginning."

Universal issues, Trochlear Recording news, decisions

2006-08-19T10:28:00.000-07:00

12:16 - Univeral issues, Trochlear Recording News, decisions
Category: Life

Decision that this album is for raising awareness on universal issues (from HALUSIN8)

After having been made aware recently that the music artists at Trochlear will be collaborating and forming alliances with video/film producers, a personal decision has been made today.

Realizations that many people/kindred-spirits, near and far have been and are raising awareness, actively participating in making a difference in the lives of all beings on earth, have been greatly inspiring.

Thankyou Jaya for providing information on your sister's film Son Of Ghana. I was deeply moved.

We who have the resources in whatever form they are, have powers to make great differences in the world, to bring peace, to heal, to ease pain and suffering, to stand up and fight for those who are unable to do so.

Again, as long as it is for causes that would benefit others, I allow those at Trochlear to distribute the music from this album (Technoshamans Gaiatribes), for free, to those who would incorporate it into worthy projects that they deem appropriate.

Uniting the world and all of the gaiatribes through music, art, peace, love and light!

Much love,
Supa

new designs, same themes with original photo

2006-08-18T20:04:00.000-07:00

Today has been very busy but really
this whole week has been busy in many
ways. Not only has much been accomplished
by way of physical activities in the realm of
the senses but also internal, mental, artistic,
creative energies were utilized too.

Spoke with Rachel briefly but will do
more catching up tomorrow when we
both have time, cell phones charged up,
and unlimited long-distance minutes available!
It was very nice to talk to her again! She is
doing well mostly, so that is always great
to know.

Tonight viewed the rest of "Tom Yum Goong",
which in English is called "The Protector". It
stars "Ong Bak" actor/martial artist Tony Jaa, and
has to do with the thefts of his two elephant friends.
First it is set in a village in Thailand, moves to Bangkok
in which they do some great boat racing action scenes,
then they go to Sydney, Australia. I was very surprised
by Tony's improved acting abilities and as always, he is
a SUPERB martial artist/gymnast/fight choreographer.
He uses various aspects of Muay Thai kickboxing and other
forms of unarmed combat. He is also working on the sequal
to Ong Bak 2, so the rumors say, and another movie which
brings forth ancient Thai weapons.

Tom Yum Goong is actually shrimp soup?, but it is also name of
Thai restaurant in the movie in Australia. The action sequences
and fight choreography is outstanding!!!!!!!! Tony's athletic
abilities are very akin to Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Bruce Lee but
incorporates various Muay Thai forms and principles of combat
into it...so it is also a treat to watch different styles of the
martial arts from around the world. In one scene, there is
a bad guy who is doing the African martial arts moves utilizing
more kicks and leg movements, circular movements. Don't
remember what it is actually called but I think I've seen it
before in one of Bruce Lee's movies...Enter The Dragon perhaps?

Slowly getting back into shape and toning muscles again. Recent
photos show the flab is turning to muscle..slowly but surely!
Keep on moving and flowing....

Peace love and light, goodnight.

Trochlear Recordings Ltd news, me mum's B-day and more

2006-08-17T19:21:00.000-07:00

News for Trochlear's music artists/producers
(in which yours truly is honored to be included as one of the music producers/artists) which include possible video/film
alliances using our music, being credited for such uses, as well as
being able to use video/film footage with credit to the video/film producers! What amazing creative/artistic collaborations and alliances that would be! For the more finer details or if this arouses your curiosity, the link is right here on
this weblog...Trochlear Recordings Limited.

Me Mum's Birthday is today and she loved the framed photo of one of her beautiful flowers she
has hanging outside in a basket. She was so happy that she wants 2 more in the same frame size, and so I suggested I'd use a few more photos of other flowers she'd had growing in her garden and around her yard this spring. I'm glad she liked her gift! It turned out very lovely if I say so myself. She gave me some zucchini to take home and delicious food (which I ate there), which unfortunately had pork in it. Ever since the whole baby rabbit and feline incident a few weeks ago, I completely stopped eating anything remotely having fur on it, pork, beef or anything like that. I've been sticking to fish, chicken, turkey, eggs, cheese type foods. If I could eat seafood, nuts and cheese, fruits, veggies, tofu all of the time, or could afford to, I would!! Didn't want to dishonor her by not eating food she so generously offered though. My mother is like that and so are other people, friends, family, co-workers, even strangers...they are very kind and generous but too many times we are so busy with everything else that is going on in our lives, that we don't have time to say "THANKYOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR GENEROSITY, KINDNESS, PATIENCE AND GOOD WILL IN THE MANY SHAPES AND FORMS THAT THEY COME IN!!!" So...I thank you friends, family, kindred-spirits, near and far, for everything you've given as I in turn reciprocate by giving to others who're within my own spheres of influence, so that love and kindness continues to flow in perpetual motion to everyone and everything around and within. I'm grateful and appreciative of all of the support, gifts of friendship, love and guidance you've given through the years.

Another surprise, my old friend Rachel who I've not heard from in a while left a message on my parent's answering machine so my dad called me and gave me her number. I'd been thinking a lot about her lately and wondered what happened to her. I'll give her a call tomorrow when I have more time to chat. She is a wonderful person and I miss her greatly. Last time I knew, she was still living in or around San Jose, California. I hope she is well.

Sometimes one has to sit back, sit still, be quiet and observe with all of one's senses, and listen to life, to others, what stories they have to tell, whether it is a co-worker or friend who shares details of their lives, or just breathing in deep and letting negative feelings go, when something or someone annoys us, to realize that it is all just an illusion in our minds. If one does not clear the mind and heart of the daily debris of internal and external stimuli, then one cannot think with clarity and loses patience, the mind becomes dull and muddy. One learns to focus on the moment and not let such thoughts intrude upon equilibrium. The more one practices letting go of burdens in thoughts and the more patience with oneself and with others one has, the realization that one brings peace to oneself and to others who're within the sphere of influence, is like the clouds that evaporate to reveal clear mind no mind is already here.

Peace love and light!

WildOrchids10a design

2006-08-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

Orchidsm1 design

2006-08-16T17:51:00.000-07:00

Rain, thunder, lightning, showering after long hot day, finds
kitty underneath bed scared, electricity
flickers on and off, reset clock...

Yesterday some lady from Ohio sent me a "flirt" on this one
site that my profile says "here for friends". Now with past
experiences with people, women who state that they want
someone or anyone to take them away from where they're
at now, or they say they are lonely and need someone, or
looking for someone to complete me....I stay away from
those types of women. It is not that I don't empathize with
what they may be going through, but they are very clear signs
that unfortunately these women are running away from their
problems and probably themselves. One can never run
away or hide from the self. No matter where one may go
one will always have the self. Better to confront and
acknowledge and try to work out or find closure with
whatever personal issues, problems with relationships with others,
than to cover it up with denial or blaming others for one's own
unhappiness.

Personally, I'd rather be alone and single than be miserable with
someone who is always seeking someone else to solve their personal
problems for them or to continue enabling their codependant
habits. It is a challenge enough maintaining balance and clarity
in one's own life, let alone trying to solve someone else's problems,
because one cannot do that, the person will have to make their own
choices if they are mentally capable of doing so. Sure everyone goes
through ups and downs and losses, sufferings and pains, however
the more you give away what you wish to receive, like love and kindness,
one shall receive that back in many ways. The first steps are to getting
to know who you really are and to love yourself completely. Then the rest
becomes a lot easier with practice.

Tonight I'm going to relax a bit and watch "Fearless" starring one of my
favorite actors of action/martial arts films, Jet Li. It looks like it is set in
China in the late 1800's??? or maybe earlier, and it has English subtitles!

Here is also another design that I didn't have a chance to play around with
until today.

Peace love light and goodnight!

WildOrchids 4b3 digital compositing & visual manipulation

2006-08-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

Today did 10 digital compositions but only had time to actually work on 2 of them. Here are only a few of the results. Interspersed viewing and mainly listening to parts of Tipping The Velvet again and also The L Word, season 3 with various episodes. Ended with 3rd season, episode 12!!! What a cliffhanger!!! This series gets more and more interesting because it doesn't specifically narrow it all to the women being lesbians or bisexual etcetera. They include family members of the characters, work and business associates...just very true to life, realistic struggles and triumphs of "people". Now to wait for more episodes after this one. Hey this is what one gets when the P2P networks won't give you all of the series all at once, know what I mean?

Been eating and sleeping very well and still continue to be smoking free. Smoke free also ties in with no consumption of alcohol. The body fat is melting off slowly but surely though this is also due to working out more and making sure to focus on alternations between various parts of the body on different days. Mind, body and spirit are all one, but you knew that, of course.

There's a particular scene in Tipping The Velvet near the end in which Nan's first love Kitty (who'd betrayed her and broke her heart at the beginning) in which Kitty (still married) wants to come back to Nan. Nan says that she had given all of herself whereas Kitty was only in "half-hearted", because she wanted to keep their love affair secret from everyone else. Now Nan has a woman who she says is "all for her", which means, her whole heart is in it and she is not ashamed of being a lesbian, being seen around London with another woman as lovers, girlfriends etcetera.

This scene really brings back memories of my own past relationships with women who did exactly, or much the same thing, all of them were like Kitty's character. They didn't want anyone else to know they were with me, or had been with me intimately, because they were ashamed and embarassed, or scared, feared what their family, friends and what society or the public may find out about them and "us". Again, they had only put half of their own hearts into the relationship. Now I know why unconsciously I've held off dating and romance for so long.

It is because now I know, I would want to be with someone who could stand beside me, being who they are, true to themselves, and not being ashamed or embarassed to tell their family or friends. We live in one of the most exciting and open countries on earth, and there are other countries who're allies to ours that also accept who we are and who've laws that allow us, as homosexuals, gays, lesbians to marry, civil unions. That's why I think England is so cool. I'm so tired of people hiding in fear. One has to stand up and be proud of who we are but also be aware that in many less populated areas of this country and other countries, of course it is more hidden, taboo, a "sin". Resources, support from various groups in larger communities are available to us. Don't be afraid to live and be who you are, have courage and stand up for yourself and for others. Sometimes we must make sacrifices of illusory comfortability, conformity by others rules and regulations and laws...and just be free. It is much better to be hated by being who we really are, being honest about ourselves, than to be loved by people we have lied to, have told half truths to, and placing ourselves in darkness to our own biological nature and genetic makeup.

Life isn't as simple as that and people are even more complex and ignorant though. Life never stands still and we must move and flow with the tides of changes internally and externally, if we are to evolve as individuals, and not be afraid to live, as best we can.
That being said, this is all in my own humble opinion.

Also myspace is being buggy in that sometimes it does not notify of new weblog posts subscriptions or comments left to my own blog, or new messages and such. I don't get
on there every day since this visual design and other outside of computer activities and
interactions with carbon based life forms, have been keeping this "goldstar" (L word trivia question. What is a goldstar? Find out for yourself! hehe) busy.

Peace love and light and goodnight!

WildOrchids 4b2 digital compositing & visual manipulation

2006-08-15T20:42:00.000-07:00

WildOrchids2b2 digital compositing & visual manipulation

2006-08-15T20:37:00.000-07:00

WildOrchids2b digital compositing & visual manipulation

2006-08-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

TTVOrchidswild1 new design

2006-08-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

I'm so extremely excited to see all of you in Austin, in
September! This new security stuff at the airports,
domestic and foreign travel, because of the "t-threats",
won't stop me. Really, all I could think of was "I hope this
doesn't delay my flights because I really really want to be
in Austin with my brothers and sisters in love and light, and
I don't have time to waste." It didn't even bother me that
anything terrible or bad could happen because I truly believe
I've conquered all fear of death and dying, for myself, at least.
I'm not afraid of dying. It is much more difficult to put full
efforts into living and cherishing every moment, even if it
is painful in physical or emotional ways.

Today at work I'd also pondered over reasons why a certain
someone and I probably would not have made very good
companions or partners to each other, if things would've
progressed to that. If one is unable to shed and leave behind,
lay down the burdens of the past, past ghosts, past sufferings
and pains, then how would one be able to give oneself fully
to another, at least speaking in the romantic sort of way. Maybe
that is why it is a good idea to step outside of oneself for time and
really truly empathize with another. The more I tried to become
more reclusive or step away from the world, from life, and from others,
the more the dynamic part of myself, that spark of life and light was inflamed!!
My heart and mind, and willpower would not let me sit back and watch
as the world, as life and love (in it's myriad forms) passed by.
So, I've decided to join in the dance of light and love. My own enemy
all along has been me. To think that I would let another or others upset
me with their words, merely projections of what they think or feel about
themselves and their own reality! Such is life.

This design finished a matter of a few minutes ago is sort of inspired by
Tipping The Velvet, as well as mentions of orchids being like a woman's
sensual, sexual parts of her being and of course, anatomy! And how
wonderful, delicious and beautiful the variety, colors, shapes, sizes,
are in existence today?! Exactly just as I feel about women, oh glorious
glorious women!!!!!!!

Life is not to be wasted, that is all I have to say for now!
Enjoy this gift while you can!

Peace, love and light to all of you lovely people.
Supa

In A Dark Place, by Tonen O'Connor, from Prairie Wind Online Summer 2006

2006-08-14T13:49:00.000-07:00

Thought this was interesting.

IN A DARK PLACE

by Tonen O’Connor

As a Zen teacher, I spend a lot of my time
talking about kindness and compassion and
was brought up short recently when a
member of the sangha at Oshkosh Correctional
Institution said, “What if you’re in a
dark place?” He went on to say “I have
negativity all around. Negativity to the left,
negativity to the right, negativity to the
front, and an officer behind.”
This prompted me to think about all the
ways in which we can be hemmed in by
negativity — sarcastic and mean-spirited
co-workers, drivers waving the finger on
the highway, horns blown abruptly the
moment the light changes, complaints in
the line at the post office, cynical holiday
cards. None of these things are as violently
negative as the anger, hatred, and violence
of the prison atmosphere, or the wars and
genocide bleeding our world, but they
emanate from the same place.
That place is a dark place, and if we are
surrounded by its darkness, we can be hard
pressed to find light to illuminate the Way.
Hard pressed, that is, if we require that it
come from others. The prison sangha
member continued, “What do you do if
you’re surrounded by tigers?” Obviously,
the easiest thing would be to become a
tiger yourself, and you certainly don’t want
to be a zebra. My answer at the time was
that you must be an elephant, big and
strong and yet an herbivore.
I later remembered that the Dhammapada
has something to say about this:
Patiently I shall bear harsh words as the
elephant bears arrows on the battlefield.
People are often inconsiderate.
Only a trained elephant goes to the battlefield;
only a trained elephant carries the
king. Best among men are those who
have trained their mind to endure harsh
words patiently.
If you cannot find a friend who is good,
wise, and loving, walk alone, like a king
who has renounced his kingdom or an
elephant roaming at will in the forest. It is
better to be alone than to live with
the immature. Be contented, and
walk alone like an elephant roaming
in the forest. Turn away from
evil.
It is we who must provide the light
that will illuminate our Way. We
cannot rely on getting it from others.
And further, for us to be able to light
our own way, we must train ourselves
to stand upright, strong, and
alone. The Buddha’s teachings may
point out the best path, but it is by no
means the easiest.
However, if we become even a small
source of light in a dark place, we
may perhaps find that there are glimmers
of answering light from unexpected
sources.
There are, however, two sorts of
dark places. The first is a dark place
created by others. The second is the
deeper, blacker darkness we create
ourselves. As a member of the Waupun
Correctional Institution sangha
said, “What if I am the dark place?”
What, indeed? How can I find light
when I myself am all darkness?
Sometimes this is the darkness of
depression that pulls us inexorably
into the central darkness of our self.
Sometimes this is the darkness of
anger that lays waste to everything
within reach and revels in the misery
of others.
Perhaps the first step is to realize
that it is I who create the darkness,
and stop blaming it on my life. It is I
who retreat from or attack the world
around me. In short, this is dukkha,
the deep unsatisfactoriness that the
Buddha perceived as afflicting us all.
We cannot absolutely control the
world and so we retreat and hide in
darkness or we spew forth dark
flame to consume the possibility of
hurt before it can reach us.
In both cases, we have created steep walls of
illusion shutting out the light. Kodo Sawaki
Roshi describes our situation well:
Ignorance is an obscuring of the self by
oneself. We deprive of light our own life
and that of all beings in the universe.
He who goes from darkness into darkness
is an ignoramus.
The ordinary man consumes his time
and his life in the service of ignorance.
To put it another way, in the service of
illusions. He lives in darkness.
The “Great Dharma Wheel” is the
Wheel-Jewel which, in turning, conquers
our imagined world and pacifies it. With
a terrifying noise, it rolls before the Tenrinjo-
o kings, crushing all enemies in its
passage, as if it leveled high mountains.
The enemies are not warriors armed with
swords and javelins. The enemies that it
reduces to dust with a crash are illusions.
Ponderously, slowly, it opens a luminous
world. The light is there where the
Dharma Wheel is found, and darkness
where ignorance is found.
To find the light, we must question our
own darkness. We must see how rooted
it is in illusion. And we must be courageous
enough to look beyond ourselves
to the luminous dharma world that
awaits our clear vision.
This is not easy to do. We cling tightly to
our illusions and their darkness makes us
feel safe. Yet the darkness cuts us off
from others, from life and from living.
In the dark places, whether created by
others or by ourselves, we must find our
own light, reach out and grasp life. This
is by no means an easy task, yet right
here in January, this darkest of months
that begins a new year, let us have confidence
that the light is there as surely as
the coming of spring.

Tonen O’Connor is Head Priest at Milwaukee
Zen Center in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

ZEN MASTER DOGEN’S VOW

From this life throughout countless lives,
we vow with all beings to hear the true Dharma.
Hearing it, no doubt arises, nor is faith lacking.
Meeting and maintaining it, we renounce worldly affairs, and
together with all beings and the great earth
realize the Buddha Way.
Past negative actions accumulate and cause the arising of many
obstacles to the practice of the Way.
May all Buddhas and Ancestors who have realized the Way extend
their compassion and free us from these karmic effects,
allowing us to practice without hindrance.
May they share with us their boundless compassion,
and fill the universe with the virtue of their enlightened
teaching.
Buddhas and Ancestors of old were as we.
In the future, we shall be Buddhas and Ancestors.
Revering Buddhas and Ancestors, we are one Buddha and one
Ancestor.
Awakening Bodhi-mind, we are one Bodhi-mind.
As they extend their compassion freely to us,
we are able to realize Buddhahood and let go of the
realization.
The Chan Master Lung-ya said:
Those unenlightened in past lives will now be enlightened.
In this life, take care of the body, the fruit of many lives.
Before Buddhas were enlightened, they were the same as we.
Enlightened people of today are exactly the same as
the ancients.
This is the exact transmission of a verified Buddha,
so quietly explore the far-reaching effects of these causes and
conditions.
Repenting in this way, one never fails to receive help,
deep and unending, from all Buddhas and Ancestors.
Revealing before Buddha one's lack of faith and failure to
practice dissolves the root of these unwholesome
actions.
This is the pure and simple manifestation of true practice, of the
true mind and body of faith.

The British poet William Blake wrote,
“If the doors of perception were
cleansed, everything would appear to
man as it is, infinite. For man has closed
himself up, ‘til all he sees is through
narrow chinks of his caverns.”

Bowl of Saki 2006-13-8

2006-08-14T13:46:00.000-07:00

The lover of nature is the true worshipper of God.

Bowl of Saki, by Hazrat Inayat Khan

Commentary by Pir-o-Murshid Inayat Khan:

A true worshipper of God sees His presence in all forms, and thus in respecting others he respects God. It may even develop to such an extent that the true worshipper of God, the Omnipresent, walks gently on the earth, bowing in his heart even to every tree and plant, and it is then that the worshipper forms a communion with the Divine Beloved at all times, when he is awake and when he is asleep.

from http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/XIII/XIII_15.htm

Anyone who has some knowledge of mysticism and of the lives of the mystics knows that what always attracts the mystic most is nature. Nature is his bread and wine. Nature is his soul's nourishment. Nature inspires him, uplifts him and gives him the solitude for which his soul continually longs. Every soul born with a mystical tendency is constantly drawn towards nature; in nature that soul finds its life's demand, as it is said in the Vadan, 'Art is dear to my heart, but nature is near to my soul'. ... Nature does not teach the glory of God; it need not teach this as nature itself is the glory of God. People wish to study astrology and other subjects in order to understand better, but if we study astrology then we are sure to arrive at an interpretation which is given by a man, whereas what we should read from nature is what nature gives us and not what any book teaches us.

There comes a time with the maturity of the soul when every thing and every being begins to reveal its nature to us. We do not need to read their lives. We do not need to read their theories. We know then that this wide nature in its four aspects is ever-revealing and that one can always communicate with it, but that in spite of this it is not the privilege of every soul to read it. Many souls remain blind with open eyes. They are in heaven, but not allowed to look at heaven; they are in paradise, but not allowed to enjoy the beauties of paradise. It is just like a person sleeping on a pile of gems and jewels. From the moment man's eyes open and he begins to read the book of nature he begins to live; and he continues to live forever.

from http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/XI/XI_III_7.htm

'There is One Holy Book, the sacred manuscript of nature, the only scripture which can enlighten the reader.' Most people consider as sacred scriptures only certain books or scrolls written by the hand of man, and carefully preserved as holy, to be handed down to posterity as divine revelation. Men have fought and disputed over the authenticity of these books, have refused to accept any other book of similar character, and, clinging thus to the book and losing the sense of it have formed diverse sects. The Sufi has in all ages respected all such books, and has traced in the Vedanta, Zend-Avesta, Kabbala, Bible, Quran, and all other sacred scriptures, the same truth which he reads in the incorruptible manuscript of nature, the only Holy Book, the perfect and living model that teaches the inner law of life: all scriptures before nature's manuscript are as little pools of water before the ocean.

To the eye of the seer every leaf of the tree is a page of the holy book that contains divine revelation, and he is inspired every moment of his life by constantly reading and understanding the holy script of nature.

from http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/I/I_I_1.htm

~~~ The lover of nature is the true worshipper of God.

Random thoughts and so on=ADHD, minus the H tonight

2006-08-13T20:36:00.000-07:00

This is me, looking very annoyed or either the "I don't fucking care anymore!" look.
Though not necessarily narcissistic (try saying that very quickly about 100 times!), I think I'm becoming brighter and cuter every day. Attractive to some and not attractive to others, either physically or mentally or combinations of both. Ce la vie.

Today went and started washing laundry at laundromat, one woman there. Went to grocery store to get necessary items and tons of vegetables, herbs...holy crap, I have delicious AND nutritious ingredients. There at store, saw a very very cute chick that works in the office. She has the best smile, laugh and attitude, and I guess she works her ass off too. This was early in the morning, about 7:30am-8:00am? That is early, since it the weekend, but things need to get done in order for one to enjoy the rest of the day off, you all know what I mean. Anyway, I don't even think I know her first name, and I've been working with her for almost 4 years! Not that I think she is curious about women or anything of that sort, it is just that some women are attractive, even if you don't want to be involved with them in any sort of sexual or romantic relationship. Beauty is all around us and within us, is it not? Why try to suppress our light and brilliance?!

Also, this dude was checking me out at the store and said "Hi." Some guys are like that, okay, some people are like that, very friendly and warm, and one shouldn't take it like they are looking at you thinking of you without your clothes on. I might be slightly sexually appealing to some people, and butt ugly and scary to others. No big deal. Who fucking cares what anyone else thinks anyways right?

Oh, and some guy from Iowa sent me a "flirt" on one of those online dating site profile things I put up. I don't know if he has dyslexia or is just so absolutely ignorant of all of the "hers, herself, she, woman" indications of what qualities in a woman I'm looking for etcetera. It specifically says woman + woman. What the fuck is wrong with people? Are they that lonely and desperate okay, yes, some people are lonely and desperate and let me tell you, I am not looking, not wanting, not desperate to be with someone who doesn't take the time to get to know me and reciprocate honest, non-judgemental communication.

Sometimes I wish I could squash the whole earth in geographical terms, into a 1,000 mile radius. I could go visit France, Italy, England, Russia, Thailand, Singapore, Hawaii, and experience varieties of peoples and cultures, different climates, different cuisines, learn new languages, meet more cool people, and do it all, on a very limited budget! Not so....not so, for now. Small steps to take, my time will come (at least in romantic terms), and one must always enjoy and be grateful for each moment, and being alive.

Is that good enough ADD ramblings for now? Yes...sleep calls. Busy day, busy week to come. Paid vacation to look forward to, getting car fixed not really looking forward to but at least vacation can be utilized in many many many ways.

Ahhhh...almost forgot, the women (or most of them on The L Word) and the main women characters in Tipping The Velvet, Fingersmith are all beautiful and sexy, by the way. Those are the types of women that are very rare to find around these parts, these days, except for me of course, hehe.

Goodnight to all of you lovely people out there.
Best wishes and best regards too!
Peace, love and light!!

The L Word

2006-08-13T20:18:00.000-07:00

THIS is another series addiction based on lesbian life too.
The episodes viewed so far are based on what goes on in real
life situations. Missed most of the 2nd, 3rd and is
season 4 just starting, maybe it is finished, I've no clue.
Awesome characters and storylines and some of the most
talented actresses in the world!! What more could you ask for?
Perhaps all of the series up to date, on DVD!!!
Better yet, a nice soft skinned, beautiful woman to cuddle with
on the couch, in bed and well, girls will be girls.

Tipping The Velvet

2006-08-13T19:54:00.000-07:00

Sarah Water's novels Tipping The Velvet and Fingersmith
brought to life in the BBC series, and releases on DVD
format have me very googly eyed and squishy hearted.

The onscreen adaptations of the stories, directors, costumes,
sets, locations are awesome, actors/actresses are all most talented and brilliant!!

Even if you're not a lesbian, of course it is all about tragedy, comedy,
life, love, romance, having rough times and low spots in our lives, but
ultimately rising back up again. Perhaps they touch the core in all of
us in that we can relate to these characters so well? At least, I'm
only speaking for myself.

"Masks" visual design

2006-08-12T11:07:00.000-07:00

photo from a few months ago

2006-08-12T10:07:00.000-07:00

One of the most annoying aspects of projections of
"online personas" (Jaya's post on myspace) via websites
& weblogs, profiles and so on is...assumptions about
how one is in real life. Usually, what is projected is
our interests, passions, creative expressions, social or
individual activities one enjoys...it does not really
capture the essence of how one really IS and EXISTS
and LIVES in the real life, real-time physiological
experential world(s). One really does not know another
unless one has opportunity to "hang out" with them and
so on and so forth. Even then, people may not show
who they really are and what they're all about, even if
you have known them personally for years.

Let me make something very clear. I'm not naive or innocent.
I'm a lot more worldly and streetwise than some people may assume.
I've experienced a lot and have been in situations with people, friends,
kindred-spirits that could be made into movies. Life
(and in living it, experiencing it for oneself)
is a lot hell more exciting, fun, interesting, amazing, magical,
than any movie, book, magazines, weblogs, or television show, could ever
describe or capture in images.

I agree to disagree, and am living for me.

Burning Man (photo taken yesterday)

2006-08-12T08:44:00.000-07:00

The only aspects changed from original photo were
image size, added text and border.

Burning Man 2006

2006-08-11T21:18:00.000-07:00

Life is meant to be experienced and lived to the fullest
and dammit, it is much much better this way!!!

flipped version of Blood and Flowers 3

2006-08-10T21:26:00.000-07:00

CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE PAID VACATION TIME IN 2 MORE
WEEKS! LOTS OF THINGS WILL BE DONE AND OMAHA
FRIENDS, HERE I COME. BE BLOODY READY..hehehe...

"Buddhafly Light" another version

2006-08-10T21:14:00.000-07:00

Though I may not be able to double/triple post on the
other sites, I have to tell all of my friends/family
kindred-spirits, how much I love you and can't wait
to see you in Austin!!!
Speaking of family, my mom called today and told
me to pick up some eggplant hotstuff (spicy, tasty, veggie, herbs)
she'd made yesterday, so I told her I'd come by
tomorrow and get it.
Her birthday is next week and since I'm budgeting
to the penny now, I'm making her a picture and
putting it in a frame for her, one of her Tiger Lily
photos from her own garden. It is a lot more personal
and meaningful than to get her something and not
put any heart into it...if you know what I mean.

A few old friends found me on myspace and
I'm so fucking happy!!! When I say I have met
and have known a lot of cool people, old friends,
throughout my life...I am not kidding! They are all
special and unique in their own ways and most of
them have grown up become responsible adults
who have not lost their sense of humor or playfulness,
or the urges to party and have a good time!!!
Fucking right on!!!!!!

Who says I need to settle down and be quiet?!
No way...I was only fooling myself.

Cheers!

"Whispering Ghosts"

2006-08-10T21:10:00.000-07:00

Viewed a heavily chopped version of Silent Hill the movie
which by the way the uncut version shall be mine, sooner
or later. This in a way reminds me of the colors used
in most of the movie...creepy creepy movie. A nightmare
come to life in which human beings are the true monsters.

another variation of Wild Lily series

2006-08-10T21:08:00.000-07:00

Don't know what to call this piece yet.

"Devilgirl"

2006-08-10T21:03:00.000-07:00

The devil made me do this hehe...

"Dragonfly Buddha" design/photomerges

2006-08-09T21:03:00.000-07:00

Truly tried to create another Blood and Flowers 3
however don't have time to get it the way it should
be. Did this piece, played around with it yesterday
and finished it today. The water plants and dragonfly
photos were taken Saturday afternoon, this last weekend.

Ironic that this photomerge turned out so well bringing
a vision of peace, tranquility and clarity, and that the
movie American Psycho is playing in the background.

Darkness and light, light and darkness and
are we all in the middle somewhere between
saints and sinners?

Today was sidetracked from reading some online
newspapers from the Bangkok Post, went to the Guardian
and then, of course, "checked out" their personals
called, of all things "Soulmates". Was slightly tempted
just to make out a profile so further profiles besides only
5 pages, could be glanced at. Ever since viewing Fingersmith,
Europe/United Kingdom areas have been on my mind.
Then, of all the weird occurrences today...sigh.
Don't even know why I bothered to do these profile things
on these online dating sites because, I really don't fucking
care. Usually, if you find a woman/women interesting or
at least compatible, and they think you are also attractive
and whatnot, they are in other countries or hundreds or
thousands of miles away...at least the ones who have the
confidence to say, "hey we should meet up for coffee or at
a pub for a few drinks eh?, see what happens and if we connect
and have chemistry?" Those are the ones that are usually far
away in distance. Now...the ones that live within a 100 mile
radius are like "I have no photo,
and I live with my husband/boyfriend and 5 kids, but we would like for you
to join in." Or this "Hi, I have always lived in somewhere smalltown like,
in one of the least culturally progressive states near you. My loves
include collecting unicorns, teddy bears, and I have a tattoo of roses
and a barbed wire fence around someware (actual spelling) on my
very large body." Or this "Hi, I am a reclusive semi-attractive college aged girl and should be taking medication for many of my conditions. I'm not sure if I like women
or not, but will possibly stalk you, if you don't want to date me, because I twitch
uncontrollably and make weird noises, when I'm in social situations."
That actually happened to me before and left me emotionally scarred for a few
months afterwards.

I'm being facetious about this whole online dating thing, but one great experience
is that, I did have a few fun times with a college chick because of a particular site.

Cheers!

4th day no smoke! visual design blood and flowers 2

2006-08-08T20:41:00.000-07:00

A number of months ago, before I'd started smoking again,
I had this bizarre dream that I started coughing up blood.
Yes, I have a powerful "will" and quit smoking and probably
will for quite a long time again.

This piece,"Blood and Flowers 2", is a continuation of
photomerges of photos of myself and ones I'd taken of
various colored Tiger Lilys in my mother's garden area.

Even without changing the colors of the original raw
photomerges, the way I'd placed the photos together,
was trying to capture blood like splatters, that of course,
are actually the specks of colors on the flower petals
themselves.

Perhaps it is something to do with deeper psychological
releases of rage, and violence, cancerous disease of temperment,
a sign that if one does not confront, avert and thereby control
one's own emotions and instinctual reactions, and also
curb the body's tendencies to become addicted to whatever
chemicals, or outside stimuli of various nature, that one
will become ill, to the point of perhaps, coughing up blood?
Bringing suffering to oneself and others because of lack of
control of self in all aspects?

The piece also reminds me of another dream a while ago, that I'd
slaughtered and sliced up many innocent people with my rage, anger,
uncontrolled emotional states. I was very ill when I woke up because
the images of men, women, children, in pieces and blood, flesh, bone
everywhere disturbed me so much. It looks as if I'd just killed someone
or more than one person. Maybe I have killed the self, or perhaps even
acknowledges that all human beings have monsters lurking beneath the surface
of innocence and rationality, a conscience overtaken by anger and rage?

Darkness and light exist in all of us, so we must choose wisely and be
careful to not fall too far into the abyss, so that we can go towards
the light of a brighter future.

Bowl of Saki 8-8-2006

2006-08-08T13:40:00.000-07:00

The more you evolve spiritually, the further you pass from the understanding of every man.

Bowl of Saki, by Hazrat Inayat Khan

Commentary by Pir-o-Murshid Inayat Khan:

The average man cannot understand the mystic; and therefore people are always at a loss when dealing with him. His 'yes' is not the same 'yes' that everybody says; his 'no' has not the same meaning as that which everybody understands. In almost every phrase he says there is some symbolical meaning. His every outward action has an inner significance. A man who does not understand his symbolical meaning may be bewildered by hearing a phrase, which is nothing but confusion to him.

from http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/I/I_II_10.htm

I will tell you something about my own teacher. Once I met a learned man, a doctor of philosophy with a great many degrees. I spoke to him on the deeper side of life and he became so interested in me that he thought much of me. So I thought, 'If I were to tell him about my teacher, how much more interesting that would be for him. If I make such an impression upon this man, how much more my teacher will be for him, and how much will he appreciate my teacher', and I told him, 'There is a wonderful man in this city, he has no comparison in the whole world'. 'Yes?', said he, 'Are there such people? I would so much like to see him. Where does he live?' I told him, in such and such a part of the city. He said, 'I live there too. Where is his house. I know all the people there. What is his name?' So I told him, and he said, 'For twenty years I have known this man, and you are telling me about him!' I thought, 'In a hundred years you would not have been able to know him'. He was not ready to know him.

If people are not evolved enough they cannot appreciate persons, they cannot understand them, they cannot understand the greatest souls. They sit with them, they talk with them, there is a contact of the whole life, but they do not see. Another person in one moment, if he is ready to understand, makes a benefit out of it. Imagine, the learned man had known my teacher for twenty years and did not know him. I saw him once, and became his pupil forever. One might ask, 'Was this man not learned, not intellectual?' Yes, he was. Then what was lacking? He saw my teacher with his brain, I saw him with my heart. People pursue spirituality with their brain: that is where they are mistaken. Spirituality is attained through the heart.

from http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/XIV/XIV_2_8.htm

The more one evolves the more one will discover the different grades of people, just like the different keys on the piano. One is lower, another is higher. Every person has a different grade of evolution. Also, the higher you evolve the more you will find that you cannot drive everyone with the same whip. You have to speak to everyone differently, in fact in his own language. If you speak a language he does not understand, it will be gibberish to him. ...

Once when traveling I met a man of a very dense evolution, a soldier who always lived in military surroundings and who had very fixed ideas of his own. And when we were talking together and it appeared that we thought differently about something, I happened to say in order to preserve harmony, 'Well, we are brothers!' He looked at me with great anger, and said, 'Brothers! How dare you say such a thing!' I said, 'I forgot. I am your servant, Sir.' He was very pleased. I could have argued, but this would have created disharmony without reason. The foolishness of that man blazed up just like fire. I put water on it and extinguished it. I did not diminish myself. We are all servants of one another. And it pleased and satisfied him.

from http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/VI/VI_5.htm

~~~ The more you evolve spiritually, the further you pass from the understanding of every man.

THIRD DAY OF NOT SMOKING AT ALL!!!!!!!!!

2006-08-07T14:17:00.000-07:00

I NEED TO CHUG ABOUT 2 GLASSES OF WATER TO SWEAT OUT THESE NICOTINE WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS!! I'VE BEEN VERY VERY BITCHY AND CRABBY but some people
bring that out of me...especially the ones who don't show up to work, or are too lazy to get jobs and mooch off of people all of the time...even the ones who are CEOs' of Fortune 500 companies that embezzle their employees retirement funds and the oil/petrol company hooligans raking in billions of dollars a quarter...you know these people or have had ex-roomates, ex-boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives, neighbors, panhandlers, strangers...they rob you and rape you, abuse you, are either/or/in combinations have emotionally, physically, sexually abused, have been violent to you...stolen your money, your innocence, your car.....they are the ones that weigh 600 pounds and want you to feel sorry for them because they eat too much...parasites...they are passive-aggressive types who take their anger, hate, fears and insecurities out on you, make you feel small, cut you down to size (and not in a humorous or sarcastic sense either).....WOW...I'm such a bitch today...at this moment. So much for my empathy, compassion and patience practices...deep breaths...okay, let it go, let the anger and rage, and nicotine withdrawals go....SATORI!!

YES....THREE SOLID DAYS OF NOT SMOKING...NOT EVEN A PUFF!!!!
H2O...HOW I LOVE YOU!!!

newly finished visual design "Altered Stasis"

2006-08-06T21:19:00.000-07:00

crap !! really messed up the template, i've no clue what i'm doing...

oh snap!

2006-08-06T17:19:00.000-07:00

THIS IS THE SECOND DAY OF NO SMOKING HAIRBALLS, UH I MEAN CIGARETTES. MY STEPDAD IS PISSED OFF AT ME BECAUSE I SMOKE ON AND OFF (GOING TO BE NOT SMOKING FOR QUITE A LONG TIME I'VE DECIDED) AND THAT MY LIFE INSURANCE POLICY PAYMENTS DOUBLED. HEY, THE GREEDY BASTARD WANTS TO PAY FOR LIFE INSURANCE ON ALL OF HIS GROWN KIDS, WITH HIM AS THE SOLE BENEFICIARY, I TOLD HIM I HAD TO TELL THEM THE TRUTH. I SMOKE ON AND OFF!! SO NOW HE IS PISSED AS ALL HELL BUT I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I ALREADY HAVE LIFE INSURANCE ON MYSELF. HE JUST CALLED ABOUT 10 MINUTES AGO AND I AM VERY EMOTIONLESS EXCEPT FOR ANGER...WHICH IS SLOWLY SUBSIDING.

OTHERWISE I AM FEELING BETTER AND NOT SO ANGRY OR SHITTY BECAUSE OF NICOTINE WITHDRAWALS.

ON ANOTHER NOTE, I WAS TRYING TO DO SOMETHING WITH THIS SITE TEMPLATE AND FUCKED IT ALL UP SO NOW IT LOOKS LIKE THIS, WHICH IS FINE WITH ME! CHANGE IS GOOD AND NECESSARY IS IT NOT?!

I'M GOING TO WORK ON SOME MORE VISUAL DESIGNS NOW. SLOWLY I'M GATHERING MORE RESOURCES FOR MORE TRACKS ON MUSIC PROJECTS SO AT LEAST I WON'T BE TOO BORED HERE IN THE MIDWEST BERMUDA TRIANGLE!

24 hours of being a non-smoker again!!

2006-08-05T23:38:00.000-07:00

If I'd a woman to do "stuff" with...really, do women have "sex on the brains" like some women say men do? I've met quite a few nymphomaniac gals before and won't go into too much details as to how I knew that. That is well in the past.

Today these lungs rejoiced as I actually played some very loud music, my favorite tracks from "Only For The Headstrong" and a few from "Trance Vision Dance" and did some dancing and such. Then something light was eaten and gear, water bottles readied for the hike.

Dropped off a few things at parent's house before heading north to the nature trails/lake area. Was sidetracked there when my sister and 2 nieces came over for a while, so we all caught up on news of what has been going on with everyone. Apparently my brother in law's mom is getting chemotherapy soon because they found cancer in some samples of her lymphnodes, and they took quite a few of them out. So that all happened recently. The oldest niece Jaide is getting really tall. She's 12 years (?) and Logan is 9. Logan was telling me about the play her and Jaide were in last week.

The dog is still as cute as ever. My twin brothers who are 22 years old, and living at the parent's still, are doing well. Simon found some hilarious photos on one of our favorite sites where people do a lot of Photoshop. Sean took the dog out for a walk.

It was f*cking hot and muggy outside at the nature trail/lake area but I did get quite a few nice photos of plants, insects and this small frog. These two dudes were fishing and burning stuff, so I avoided them and they left about 15 minutes later. They were across the lake area watching me take photos.

Then on the way back went shopping a little, got a nice compliment from this dude at the store about the "clout" I had to have and show a tattoo sleeve in progress, in public around here. He was a nice dude. The rest of the people there just stared at me and the lady checking me out at the register was slightly mortified. One can tell when people don't look you in the eye, or don't say much or "hi, how are you?" or generally friendly customer service oriented small talk, that they are uncomfortable with seeing the tattoos. Whatever...get over it people.

Grocery store, then back home and didn't go to the park near here later but decided to relax and do a bit of this and that on the computer. Put in dvds' of Saving Face & Appleseed The Movie on...worked out and stretched a bit. Drank more green tea and water.

Nicotine cravings are going away. Didn't even get road rage or anything today either. Now is time to tone up and become even more sexier, more happy, more women potential!!

Cheers!!

*Note...this is events as of yesterday, Saturday afternoon.*

Quitting smoking this weekend

2006-08-05T08:22:00.000-07:00

I'd re-started smoking cigs a couple of months ago. I'd been smoking on and off, especially when visiting with friends in Omaha or partying, but within the last few years, has been on and off. Usually I'd do the "weekend warrior" thing and then go without smokes or alcohol for like months and months and months etcetera.

This is the weekend for quitting smoking for another few months or so.

I will tell you, I am very bitchy right now, only because of nicotine withdrawals, so it is
nothing personal against anyone, anywhere.

Frankly, I look at all of the people I know around here who smoke, and many of them look physically terrible. Their skin is all wrinkly, teeth are stained or rotting out and their immune systems are in horrible condition. I know our bodies won't last forever, but I'd rather keep my beautiful cute clean teeth and still have a radiant glow to my skin and face when I'm 50 years old. The last few weeks I've been actually carded twice for buying some Japanese plum wine at the only local store that has a very nice selection of wines/beers/liquors to choose from. One younger gentleman actually said something like "Okay so where's your real i.d.?!" Jokingly I replied "It's ancient Chinese secret!!" and we both had a good laugh. So...I'm thinking, if I'm 35 years old right now, and I'm getting carded still, I must look at least 10-15 years younger than what my years indicate. And you know what, I want to keep being and becoming a dynamic individual, physiologically/mentally/spiritually!!! I feel sexy and I feel really good about myself.
I don't want to end up looking like I'm 70 years old in a few years because of smoking and not taking care of myself, not eating right or sitting around watching the television for hours and hours a day, or sitting around feeling sorry for myself and being complacent, letting my mind and body become dull and atrophy, becoming cynical/pessimistic/judgemental because life isn't going my way, or I have this sense that I'm "entitled" and everyone and life "owes me something". That is just plain bullshit!!!!!!!

It is probably because here, in this town, in the middle of the states, right smack dab in the middle of some kind of mental Bermuda Triangle of sorts, some people have given way to dullness and self pity. I don't think I've actually had an intellectually stimulating conversation with anyone here (except for when Natalie, Peter & Jaya came to visit a few months ago) for quite a while. Observing and listening to some people talk about television shows constantly, really bums me out. One co-worker actually asked me a number of months ago "Do you read books?" I really wanted to say, "Yes, and it doesn't have the word "bible" on it." The same person has taped up a few prayers near their work area and has the morman bible displayed like some kind of hint. I really need to get out of here and I'm working towards that goal, small step by small step.

I've a few suggestions for not going crazy here or becoming a drug addict or alcoholic, for myself
and others who may find my rantings amusing.

1. Stay away from the television and get your local, regional, world news from online newspapers from around the world.

2. If you live in a small and not progressive, conservative, religious fundamental type atmosphere, and you're spiritual but not religious etcetera....KEEP LEARNING and teaching yourself new skills, KEEP PHYSICALLY & MENTALLY ACTIVE, and DON'T DO EVERYDAY ACTIVITIES IN THE SAME PATTERNS which means, VARY YOUR EVERYDAY ACTIVITIES SO THAT YOU DON'T GET IN A MENTAL, SOCIAL RUT. Observations of those who do exactly the same things every day and never vary their schedules, makes them more prone to being depressed and cynical. Examples are, going to the stores at exactly the same time, every weekend, watching the same shows over and over, every day, listening to the same music station every day. Doing the same exact things over and over without any social interactions, every day.

3. Keep in touch with your old friends and at the same time, extend yourself out to others and forge new friendships, even if they're online.

4. Keep an open and objective mind. Become a free-thinker. This does NOT mean be gullible or naive about people you let into your life or your home. There are people out there, around you who will purposefully take advantage of you, steal from you, fuck with you in many ways, who want to hurt you, some will even kill you (because they're fucking crazy or cracked out) so listen to your instincts and become wise to the ways of the world. Not everyone is kind or empathetic or compassionate. Learning and practicing self defense is techniques is always good. This does not guarantee that you won't get robbed, or someone will beat the crap out of you to steal your shopping bag or whatnot, in fact, it doesn't stop a bullet from a random driveby either, but....it doesn't hurt to be aware of your surroundings at any given moment and time, any place on the planet. Dangers will always be around, that is the way life works right?

5. Follow your heart and instincts and learn from your past experiences. Be your own best friend. Learn about yourself.

6. Be creative and keep active in all areas of your life. Nobody can live your life for you, except for you and you alone.

7. Appreciate alone time and cherish moments with your friends/family/kindred-spirits, peers and others.

8. Learn to adapt to any situations or circumstances that may arise externally and internally.

9. Believe in yourself and love yourself, know yourself, challenge yourself, let yourself enjoy life and you will radiate that light to others.

10. Optimism, empathy, courage, endurance, tolerance, self reliance, ...they're not just words, so one should practice with the self first.

I'm not saying I know everything and everyone, because I don't. These are just a few notes for myself to keep this mind and body flowing and moving. Change is always constant so one must go with it.

Shanghai Triad

2006-08-04T20:26:00.000-07:00

Okay so the movie was not subtitled in English but I watched it and enjoyed it. Of course they were speaking Chinese but I'm unsure if it was in Mandarin or Cantonese. Often I wish I could speak like at least 10 languages fluently, but such is not the case! I am a boorish ruffian, indeed.

Thankyou for P2P networks & broadband cable internet so that I can review the movie Pulse tonight. Crap...it is Pulse, the original Japanese movie, and I only have CD1 and not the second part, and it has no subtitles...ah...the dark side of P2P...hehehe... If you are a horror/supernatural film freak like I am, DO NOT watch An American Haunting! Even if you go to a dollar movie theater, it is not worth it...maybe if it was for free, like it was for me, it was not worth it. Some parts of it are SO ridiculous, I almost laughed. It could've had SO much potential to be creepy and even the top notch actors that play some of the characters, still could not save this movie. 1 out of 10...it is a lowball 1, in my humble opinion.

Reeker, as a horror/supernatural style movie was way way way better. That I give a 6 out of 10.
The Descent is around 7 out of 10. Silent Hill the movie I actually give a 10 out of 10, and I even played the Playstation 2 games, and still this movie freaked me out at the theaters. I loved it. Also I still love the Underworld movies. Vampires and werewolves have never been sexier.

On to watch Pulse...oh and A Scanner Darkly is okay. I fell asleep through half of it so I'll watch the rest later.

I'm beginning to really like a lot of Takashi Miike's films like Audition (crazy woman) and the ultra yakuza gorefest of Ichi The Killer...and I've only made it through half of Visitor Q....he just takes all of these taboos and storylines and goes uber freakazoid with them. He is also a very versatile director because all of his films aren't like the ones previously mentioned. I'm excited to acquire more of his films to get a feel for his styles.

Cheers!

another version in Wild Lily series

2006-08-04T18:11:00.000-07:00

This weekend should be nice weather to take more
photos outdoors, go for a nice walk and hike by
the river for a while.

I'll probably work on more music tracks for the S8pience project.
Anything and everything is possible if one believes in themselves.
I truly believe.

designs from last night

2006-08-04T18:07:00.000-07:00

This almost looks like a glass flower?

another selection of design

2006-08-04T17:58:00.000-07:00

Burning Man was a lot on my mind throughout the course
of the day. It is like an organic version of Tibetan sand mandalas.
Each grain of sand is a person of specific color(s) of aura and
as they all come together to form patterns in the desert,
from satellite photos, especially the way everything is set up,
like the tents and art works, sculptures and so on....
maybe it looks like a painting when viewed from satellite photos?

I can't wait to go to Burning Man and be with my "world family"
in celebrations of life and all that is involved with this beautiful
being alive and free, living in this day and age. Truly we are
blessed to be alive.

more designs from today

2006-08-04T17:51:00.000-07:00

This reminds me of a psychedelic bird or butterfly, maybe
a Psychedelic Phoenix Rising?!

new visual designs various versions

2006-08-04T17:28:00.000-07:00

This is probably an indication that this lady here needs to get out of the
midwest and on to metropolitan cities soon. I am greatly missing
the hustle and bustle and multitudes of various peoples from
different cultures, especially the creative expressionists/ progressive artists types.

As Poision noticed, yes, I am feeling the pull of being with a woman/women again,
and though I am fulfilled and happy, excited about life and grateful for friends, family,
kindred-spirits, my health, the freedom of being able to choose to go in whichever
directions I want to go with my life, myself....I have been thinking a lot lately about
companionship.

The options for any "connections" here are very very narrow, limited, mainly because
the geographical location and the great distances in miles from city to city, especially
here in central USA. Omaha is still too small and though it has much more to do there
in terms of activities and shopping etcetera, and many of my oldschool close friends
are there...still. Too small. Still in the midwest. I still think a lot of Europe though,
don't know why but I do. Maybe NYC would be good for me if I could afford it.
Still even better, the prospects of moving to Austin, TX still excite me.

I can't wait to see everyone there in September.

There are not many choices for movies at the theater this week, at least, anything that
would be worthwhile to view. Shanghai Triad is ready to play and of course, my daily dose of
particular scenes from Fingersmith are always wonderful to see.

I'm realistic about everything though and I don't fantasize about meeting or being with
celebrities, actresses, musicians who are famous, nothing that crazy. I just know that there
are women out there in the world who would find me appealing just as much as I would find them appealing. At least, I know who and what I am and am enjoying my life and being alive, and know that I have great potential. I won't give up hope on romance though. Romance and a nice woman to connect with...I know they are out there. I was actually trying to figure out how many billions of people are there that are alive these days? I'm guessing that there are around 1,000 women out there for some kind of "connection", within age and lifestyle range? Actually now, at least for tonight, I'd settle for a nice gal to well.....anyway...good stuff good stuff.

to "date" or "not to date"

2006-08-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

Ever since viewing Fingersmith (favorite scenes with the two beautiful women) I've really really really to the millionth power, started thinking of getting back into the whole bloody dating thing again. Now that I know I am definitely a complete woman, free-spirit, free-thinker, free in every sense of the word, sensual, passionate about living life at every moment...my realization? I miss the softness and joys of being with a woman. I miss soft kisses and a killer smile with cute teeth, eyes that light up when she laughs. The curves and soft skin, her scent, her light radiating from within her. I know what I want and don't have a face or form or figure, name, which state or in which country she will be in.

I have also come to the conclusion, personal conclusion that there is no such thing as a soul mate, not one that will "complete" me. Rather, she is more or less a mirror of myself a part as a whole, that is already complete in her own being. She has qualities similar to me and knows herself, loves herself, respects herself and is driven to live her life as best as she can. She can be at home anywhere on this planet and exudes confidence, courage, empathy and lives by her own principles. She is also an optimist like me. Though I respect women who have children already, this woman (women) will not have children or want children of her own. I am of course by nature, by circumstance of life and personal choice, like my astrological sign, a virgin, a lesbian. I've never thought of having children, nor do I ever want to give birth to a child out of my own body. I've known who I was ever since I was a child but could never describe what I am. I now know.

It has been difficult being celibate and single for these past years but it has all been worth it. I know who I am, what I am and what I want out of life and am living it. It is like having the "dream of me" coming true. It is having let go of a thousand pound rock, a burden, letting it go and letting myself be true to me, letting myself rise. It feels so amazing to be completely free.

So my heart's light is on, with no expectations or assumptions. My eyes will be open to opportunities and possibilities. This is the joy I bring and give to others as well as the joy I let myself have, this gift of me, this gift of life.

Bring on the dancers, maidens fair!!! We shall dance, laugh and romance!

I hate writing profiles on different dating sites. I was trying to find this one woman but she lived in the United Kingdom last time I checked. My stars she had the most killer smile and eyes. She didn't have children and was around my age, outgoing, sensual, dance clubs here and there...but that smile...oh that smile...and close to the same height & weight as me. That is important too. Damn ye' geographical locations! Ah...damn ye' middle of the conservative USA where is noone here as cute, sweet, sassy, unique and free, like me!!!

Fingersmith film and the two main actresses...look what you've started! Hehehehe...

wild lily bubbles version

2006-08-01T20:04:00.000-07:00

version2

2006-08-01T20:00:00.000-07:00

wild lily series

2006-08-01T19:59:00.000-07:00

second version Artemis Dreams

2006-08-01T19:34:00.000-07:00

RSS has some interesting posts, especially the one on "love" is
my favorite, plus "beauty" and "metaphors"...absolutely brilliant.

deep forest visual designs

2006-08-01T19:28:00.000-07:00

Artemis Dreams

Virgin huntress
protector of the forest
wild primordial
eternal

thought this was cool so thanks again rhodora!

2006-07-31T14:20:00.000-07:00

Been trying to post some "stuff" on the lesbianation site, and the blogpost thingy is all messed up SO...here is some love I'm passing along HERE, in case any of the "sisters" from over there, happen to check this place...What I really wanted to do is tell them how much I love Fingersmith and the two beautiful women who play the characters so well and how much tissue I will need since I'm all turned on by their "erotic" scenes in this movie! Hehehe I am a wicked sexually charged woman indeed!
Oh yes...pass the love please!

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: ~**Raven Sapphire**~ Emissary of Light ~
Date: Jul 30, 2006 10:36 AM

Passing this on from EarthMama

Excellent medicine for lightworkers & healers

As a part of humanity, we are all responsible for what is going on, not only in our individual lives, but for what is going on in the world today as a whole. After reading this article below, I was compelled to share it for the powerful medicine it contains could help each and every one of us. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

HO'OPONOPONO
by Joe Vitale

Two years ago, I heard about a therapist in Hawaii who cured a complete ward of criminally insane patients -- without ever seeing any of them. Thepsychologist would study an inmate's chart and then look within himself to see
how he created that person's illness. As he improved himself, the patient improved.

When I first heard this story, I thought it was an urban legend. How could anyone heal anyone else by healing himself? How could even the best self-improvement master cure the criminally insane? It didn't make any sense. It wasn't logical, so I dismissed the story.

However, I heard it again a year later. I heard that the therapist had used a Hawaiian healing process called ho'oponopono. I had never heard of it, yet I couldn't let it leave my mind. If the story was at all true, I had to know more. I had always understood "total responsibility" to mean that I am responsible for what I think and do. Beyond that, it's out of my hands. I think that most people think of total responsibility that way. We're responsible for what we do, not what anyone else does -- but that's wrong.

The Hawaiian therapist who healed those mentally ill people would teach me an advanced new perspective about total responsibility. His name is Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len. We probably spent an hour talking on our first phone call.I asked him to tell me the complete story of his work as a therapist.

He explained that he worked at Hawaii State Hospital for four years. The ward where they kept the criminally insane was dangerous. Psychologists quit on a monthly basis. The staff called in sick a lot or simply quit. People
would walk through that ward with their backs against the wall, afraid of being attacked by patients. It was not a pleasant place to live, work, or visit.

Dr. Len told me that he never saw patients. He agreed to have an office and to review their files. While he looked at those files, he would work on himself. As he worked on himself, patients began to heal.

"After a few months, patients that had to be shackled were being allowed to walk freely," he told me. "Others who had to be heavily medicated were getting off their medications. And those who had no chance of ever being
released were being freed." I was in awe. "Not only that," he went on, "but the staff began to enjoy coming to work."

"Absenteeism and turnover disappeared. We ended up with more staff than we needed because patients were being released, and all the staff was showing up to work. Today, that ward is closed."

This is where I had to ask the million dollar question: "What were you doing within yourself that caused those people to change?"

"I was simply healing the part of me that created them," he said. I didn't understand. Dr. Len explained that total responsibility for your life means that everything in your life -- simply because it is in your life -- is your responsibility. In a literal sense the entire world is your creation.

Whew. This is tough to swallow. Being responsible for what I say or do is one thing. Being responsible for what everyone in my life says or does is quite another. Yet, the truth is this: if you take complete responsibility for your life, then everything you see, hear, taste, touch, or in any way
experience is your responsibility because it is in your life. This means that terrorist activity, the president, the economy or anything you experience and don't like -- is
up for you to heal. They don't exist, in a manner of speaking, except as projections from inside you. The problem isn't with them, it's with you, and to change them, you have to change you.

I know this is tough to grasp, let alone accept or actually live. Blame is far easier than total responsibility, but as I spoke with Dr. Len, I began to realize that healing for him and in ho'oponopono means loving yourself. If you want to improve your life, you have to heal your life. I you want to
cure anyone, even a mentally ill criminal, you do it by healing you.

I asked Dr. Len how he went about healing himself. What was he doing, exactly, when he looked at those patients' files? "I just kept saying, 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you' over and over again," he explained.

That's it? "That's it," said Dr. Len. "Turns out that loving yourself is the greatest way to improve yourself, and as you improve yourself, you improve your world."

Let me give you a quick example of how this works: one day, someone sent me an email that upset me. In the past I would have handled it by working on my emotional hot buttons or by trying to reason with the person who sent the
nasty message.

This time, I decided to try Dr. Len's method. I kept silently saying, "I'm sorry" and "I love you." I didn't say it to anyone in particular. I was simply evoking the spirit of love to heal within me what was creating the outer circumstance. Within an hour I got an email from the same person. He
apologized for his previous message. Keep in mind that I didn't take any outward action to get that apology. I didn't even write him back. Yet, by saying "I love you," I somehow healed within me what was creating him.

I later attended a ho'oponopono workshop run by Dr. Len. He's now 70 years old, considered a grandfatherly shaman, and is somewhat reclusive. He praised my book, The Attractor Factor. He told me that as I improve myself, my book's vibration will raise, and everyone will feel it when they read it. In short, as I improve, my readers will improve.

"What about the books that are already sold and out there?" I asked. "They aren't out there," he explained, once again blowing my mind with his mystic wisdom. "They are still in you." In short, there is no 'out there.' It would take a whole book to explain this advanced technique with the depth it deserves.

Suffice it to say that whenever you want to improve anything in your life, there's only one place to look: inside you. When you look, do it with love.

back from film viewing vacation

2006-07-30T11:02:00.000-07:00

Viewed a whole lot of different movies this week however, Fingersmith has been the most brilliant and enchanting as a whole. The actors/actresses are amazing, the storyline, sets and costumes are equally as absorbing and gorgeous. Of course during and right to the end of the film, I cried. This is probably one of the best (if not my own personal #1 film) lesbian themed films I've watched in ages, after Saving Face. Now I'm all googly eyed and feeling all sensual/sexual again. Ah....women.....thank the forces for beautiful (inside and outside) women!!

Death and Life

2006-07-26T21:19:00.000-07:00

Death and life are looked on
As but transformations;
The myriad creation is all of a kind,
There is a kinship through all.
- Huai Nan Tzu (2nd century B.C.)

Outside stray feline takes nourishment
back of house being remodeled across street
house with no address
nourishment feline has found baby rabbit
it screams it screams train passes by
train noises speeds away
it screams

Sweating here holding down nausea
ah the cycles of death and life
life and death
heart pounds
it screams stops screaming
cycles of death and life
life and death
not so easy to be eaten
easy to consume death
more difficult to live life
what a gift this life
not so easy this truth
one day the earth will
consume all of us
she will have her fill

Centering oneself
axis of self
oceans of life
oceans of death

Inbetween empathy and compassion
hope your death baby rabbit was quick
hope stray feline has nourishment

Awakened to truth not always so easy
not always pain free
not always beautiful

Center oneself
cycles birth and passing
always and eternal
no beginning no end

Perfect concentric circles
inside outside transforms
moving flowing expanding

visual design geisha projects

2006-07-23T10:37:00.000-07:00

current visual design projects

2006-07-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

Living a Life of Vow

2006-07-21T14:18:00.000-07:00

Shambhala Sun | May 2003

Living a Life of Vow

by Zenkei Blanche Hartman

"Being at home right here in this body," says Blanche Hartman, "this is living a life of vow."

In our Soto Zen tradition we have a ceremony called tokudo in Japanese-entering the Way," or "attaining the Way." The opening line of the invocation is, "In faith that we are Buddha, we enter Buddha's Way." The main elements of the ceremony are confession and repentance to purify the mind, followed by receiving the precepts and vowing "to follow this compassionate practice even after becoming Buddha." So here we have both faith and vow, which, together with practice, I have found to be the three main supports of my life.

This has come as rather a surprise to me. As one who majored in chemistry and probability theory in college, I had thought of myself as a very practical person, more inspired by logic and reason than by faith and devotion. (Devotion, by the way, means "of vow.") But I have come to realize that the people in my life who have really inspired me and encouraged me were people of deep faith and devotion, and those qualities have been contagious.

As stated in the invocation above, the faith I am speaking of is not faith in something external. It is faith that "all beings have the wisdom and compassion of the awakened ones, but because of their attachments and delusions they don't realize it." According to the Avatamsaka Sutra, this is what Shakyamuni Buddha said on the morning of his enlightenment. It is a radical faith in the basic goodness, the wholeness of all beings. As Suzuki Roshi said the first time I heard him lecture, "You're perfect just as you are." He also said, "There's always room for improvement," and, "Zen is about making your best effort on each moment forever." So even though we are already complete, because of our attachments and delusions we need a lot of effort to actualize the wisdom and compassion that is our basic nature.

That is where the devotion comes in. By entering the Buddha's Way, we enter a life of vow. At the end of every lecture or class we chant the four vows of the bodhisattva: "Beings are numberless, I vow to save them (or awaken with them). Delusions are inexhaustible, I vow to end them. Dharma gates are boundless, I vow to enter them. Buddha's Way is unsurpassable, I vow to become it." This is a big vow. How can we do this?

It means an endless vow.

When I first came to practice, I thought, "I'm a mess now but I'm going to get straightened out and then I'm going to get on with my life." After some years I realized, "I'm never going to get finished with this." Momentarily I was disappointed and then I thought, Pollyanna that I am, "Oh, that means you will never use up this practice. I can never wear it out. It'll last my whole life." The same is true of our vow. Our vow will sustain us and inspire us to practice for the rest of our life and maybe for lives to come. These vows will be our guide and our support and our inspiration for our whole life.

In Japan, since the thirteenth century, both homeleavers (monks and nuns) and householders (laymen and laywomen) have been entering the Buddha's Way in the tokudo ceremony by taking the same sixteen bodhisattva precepts we use today. The ceremony begins by purifying the space with wisdom water, followed by the invocation mentioned above, then the initiates are purified with wisdom water. With the body thus purified, the next step is to purify the mind with confession and repentance. Now the initiates are ready to receive the precepts.

They begin with taking refuge in the Three Treasures: Buddha, the awakened teacher; dharma, the truth of things as-it-is; and sangha, the community of practitioners. This taking refuge in the Triple Treasure is, I believe, common to all Buddhists everywhere. In Zen we sometimes say, "returning to Buddha," or "being one with Buddha," to emphasize that each of us is originally not separate from Buddha.

The next three vows in the ceremony are sometimes called the three pure precepts: avoiding evil, doing good and benefiting beings.

The remaining vows are the ten grave or prohibitory precepts, calling our attention to actions which cause suffering, to remind us to be awake with our actions of body, speech and mind so as to minimize suffering. We vow to refrain from killing, from taking what is not given, from misusing sexuality, from false speech, from intoxicating mind or body of self or others, from speaking of the faults of others, from praising self at the expense of others, from being possessive or stingy, from harboring ill will and from disparaging the Three Treasures.

Following each set of vows, beginning with repentance, the initiates are asked three times, "Even after realizing buddhahood, will you continue this compassionate practice?" and they respond, "Yes I will!"

In this ceremony the initiates also receive a dharma name and a dharma robe and a dharma lineage blood vein. Each one is a constant reminder of these vows. Every morning we put the dharma robe on our head and recite the robe chant:

Great robe of liberation

Field far beyond form and emptiness

Wearing the Tathagata's teaching

Saving all beings.

Each month on the day of the full moon we renew our vows in the bodhisattva ceremony. Every day our liturgy begins with the three refuges. There is a verse for waking up in the morning:

This morning as I wake,

I vow with all beings

To see each thing as it is

And not to forsake the world.

There is a verse for bathing:

As I bathe this body,

I vow with all beings

To wash this body free from dust

Healthy and clean within and without.

For homeleavers there is a verse for shaving the head:

Now I am being shaved,

May I with all beings

Cut off all selfish desires forever.

There is a verse for offering incense, for brushing the teeth and washing the face, and, of course, a whole extended ritual for receiving food. In short, there are vows for all of the activities of our daily life to constantly remind us that all our activities of body, speech and mind are to benefit all beings. At the end of the day, we say:

This evening as I sleep

I vow with all beings

To still all things

And to put an end to confusion.

In 1988, two years before he died, Dainin Katagiri-roshi, founder and abbot of the Minnesota Zen Meditation Center, wrote this poem:

Peaceful Life

Being told that is impossible,

One believes, in despair, "Is that so?"

Being told that it is possible,

One believes, in excitement, "That's right."

But, whichever is chosen,

It does not fit one's heart neatly.

Being asked, "What is unfitting?"

I don't know what it is.

But my heart knows somehow.

I feel an irresistible desire to know.

What a mystery "human" is!

As to this mystery:

Clarifying,

Knowing how to live,

Knowing how to walk with people,

Demonstrating and teaching,

This is the Buddha.

>From my human eyes,

I feel it's really impossible to become a Buddha.But this "I," regarding what the Buddha does,

Vows to practice,

To aspire,

To be resolute,

And tells myself, "Yes I will."

Just practice right here now,

And achieve continuity,

Endlessly,

Forever.

This is living in vow.

Herein is one's peaceful life found. (indent)

This is the road undertaken by those who choose a life devoted to practice. As I mentioned, this path may be taken by householders as well as homeleavers. There is zaike tokudo, remaining at home and attaining the Way, and shukke tokudo, leaving home and attaining the Way.

When Suzuki Roshi suggested to my teacher, Sojun Mel Weitsman Roshi that he be ordained, Sojun said, "What's a priest?" and Suzuki Roshi said, "I don't know." Sojun then went to the other teacher at Zen Center, Katagiri Sensei, and said, "Katagiri Sensei, Suzuki Roshi wants me to be a priest. What's a priest?" And Katagiri Sensei said, "Hmm, I don't know." So this is a good koan for those who may decide that they want to be ordained as a homeleaver-"What is it?"

As with any koan, it's a question that's always with us. It's not a question that we say, "Well, now I know; that's it; I got it." It's not like that-it's always right here before us as an open question. Sojun says, "I still don't know what a priest is and I hope I never do." This question should always be alive for us. It should always be with us, encouraging our practice and encouraging our inquiry and encouraging our effort.

This "leaving home"-what is that? Sometimes it is called the homeless life. In Japan, a person entering the homeless life in this ceremony would be called an unsui, "cloud water"-one who moves from place to place as necessary without obstruction, without attachment, like a cloud; and one who fits into whatever situation arises without resistance, like water.

One thing it means is to find your home wherever you are. To realize that wherever you are is home; not to be seeking for some special place, to be making some cozy nest, but to find yourself at home wherever you are and in whatever circumstances you may be. To put aside the worldly concerns of looking for material comfort, and instead to cultivate mental comfort, comfort of the spirit and mind and heart.

This being at home wherever you are means being comfortable wherever you are. Not having to have some special place or special things to make you comfortable. Right here in this very body in this very place as-it-is, to be at home. That's one way we can think about what is this homeless life.

Those of us who have chosen Zen practice have discovered that sitting zazen is a good thing. This is how you can find your home right where you are. This just sitting, just being this one as-it-is, is finding yourself at home and at peace with this one. It is finding out how to express this Buddha in the world.

Commitment and renunciation are significant elements in what a homeleaver is. Shaving the head is symbolic of renunciation. But really what is to be renounced is self-clinging, so shaving the head is just to remind us to renounce whatever it is that we cling to, whatever it is that we attach to. Let it go, let our life flow through our hands like a river and not try to grab some piece of it and hold onto it. Just to be present with it and find out how to express our vow in this moment, in this circumstance, right where I am right now, instead of trying to figure out how to make it the way I want so that it'll be just what I always dreamed of. It won't be. There will be many surprises.

And if we're open to embracing the surprises as they arise, then there will be inconceivable joy. If we fuss and fume and say, "This isn't what I expected," then there will be inconceivable misery. Just to welcome your life as it arrives moment after moment, to meet it as fully as you can, being as open to it as you can, being as ready for whatever arises as you can, and meeting it wholeheartedly, this is renunciation-this is leaving behind all of your preferences, all of your ideas and notions and schemes. Just meeting life as it is.

Renunciation is: "Just this is enough." I really like that as a description of renunciation. Can you meet your life as it is and say, "Just this is enough"? Or are you always looking for something more? That's where suffering comes in: "This isn't enough; I need something more." Then it always feels lacking. How can we meet our life as it is wholeheartedly, just like this? This is what our practice is; this is finding your home in the midst of homelessness, right here.

Zenkei Blanche Hartman, a student of Sojun Mel Weistsman, Shunryu Suzuki Roshi and Dainin Katagiri Roshi, has just recently retired as Abbess of San Francisco Zen Center. She is continuing there as a senior dharma teacher.

Bow of Saki 2006-21-7

2006-07-21T13:35:00.000-07:00

A study of life is the greatest of all religions, and there is no greater or more interesting study.

Bowl of Saki, by Hazrat Inayat Khan

Commentary by Pir-o-Murshid Inayat Khan:

There are two ways in which we may attain control over our activity. The first is confidence in the power of our own will; to know that if we have failed today, tomorrow we will not do so. The second is to have our eyes wide open, and to watch keenly our activity in all aspects of life. It is in the dark that we fall, but in the light we can see where we are going.

So it is in life: we should have our eyes wide open to see where we walk. We should study life, and seek to know why we say a thing, and why we act as we do. We have failed perhaps hitherto because we have not been wide awake. We have fallen, and felt sorry, and have forgotten all about it, and perhaps may have fallen again. This is because we have not studied life. A study of life is the greatest of all religions, and there is no greater and more interesting study. Those who have mastered all grades of activity, they above all experience life in all its aspects. They are like swimmers in the sea who float on the water of life and do not sink.

from http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/V/V_36.htm

If we only knew how much the study of life can tell us! One could go into the British Museum and read every book in the building, and yet not obtain satisfaction. It is not study, it is not research, it is not inquiry which gives this knowledge; it is actually going through the experiences of life, witnessing life in its different aspects and in its different phases or spheres; that is what reveals the ideal of life. ... Look not on life as a person would watch a play on the stage. Rather look upon it as a student who is learning at college.

It is not a passing show; it is not a place of amusement in which to fool our life away. It is a place for study, in which every sorrow, every heartbreak brings a precious lesson. It is a place in which to learn by one's own suffering, by the study of the suffering of others; to learn from the people who have been kind to us as well as from the people who have been unkind. It is a place in which all experiences, be they disappointments, struggles, and pains, or joys, pleasures, and comforts, contribute to the understanding of what life is, and the realization what it is. Then do we awake to the religion of nature, which is the only religion. And the more we understand it, the greater our life becomes, and the more of a blessing will our life be for others.

from http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/VII/VII_2.htm

~~~ A study of life is the greatest of all religions, and there is no greater or more interesting study.

Abstract Aphasia

2006-07-20T15:44:00.000-07:00

This piece called "Abstract Aphasia" is the first project finished last night using Adobe Illustrator CS. Since my normal modus operandi is with Adobe Photoshop/CS/CS2, thought this was a good way to practice various techniques. I did this with my gimpy right arm too, so I was very proud to see how physical therapy has helped.

My apologies for not posting comments on blog posts or comments and emails about the info of
flight numbers and such Andromeda, and others that I've not had a chance to read your posts yet, as it has been very busy in these parts! Not to mention the 105 degree temperature today, I felt like a human jerky/prune at work today. No liquid in brainy can't thinky much words to sayeeee..write, keyboard...gah!

The other two digital manipulations were also done last night as well.

Hope all is well with all of you near and far, and Natalie, I hope you have fun in Austin!

Sending everyone warmth and love,
Supa

a few thoughts

2006-07-20T15:26:00.000-07:00

there's this episode of CSI in which the mention of what people find to be attractive traits or qualities in others, other than physical attributes (which of course is always subjective), and one of the lines that ends the episode is "someone who doesn't judge me".

i find that the human mind/the brain itself, is one of the most interesting and complex parts of our existence. there will always be people who believe that their existence, way of life, viewpoints, thoughts, ideals, are better, or are more on a higher level than others, that their existence in this world is somehow more important, than let's say, someone who lives in a poor, poverty stricken, area (and those areas are in all parts of the globe). only speaking for myself, we are all responsible for living our lives the best way that we can. we make choices for ourselves that impact everyone and everything, we come into contact with, even if it is only through the mediums of internet communications. this does not mean that i judge anyone for being who they are, for the circumstances that have brought them into being who they are, this includes the way we have been brought up by family, or guardians, friends, which cultures we are exposed to, even what our genetic heritage is, and a host of other complexities such as natural environment etcetera.

something that rhodora and poisan posted also started me thinking about life, and what it means to be alive, trying to be our true selves, happiness and knowing ourselves, aside from social, political structures , family and friends....and how we have to do our best to make decisions, think and act for ourselves without anyone's influences, even if they are intended to be helpful to us. everyone's reality, internal and external are different. all of us can relate to each other then because even down to the minute particles that constitute the physiological makeup of our bodies, our thoughts, (chaos theory and the multiverse, string theories, quantum physics and mechanics) we are all connected.
so why would anyone want to judge another simply for their thoughts, or how they are in this world, or how they choose to live their lives? and if you don't truly know yourself, really truly go deep inside yourself, introspection, meditation, being in the moment, how can one judge another for perhaps, changing their minds about particular subjects?
i know i am not perfect, and i know that everyone has a different set of problems and challenges in this life, some fight for their lives every day, some find that they know themselves and forgive themselves and others.....like the sufi part of me that says to take everything that comes, thorns, pain, joy, laughter, tears......
i will tell all of you that i love who i am and what i will evolve to become, the path untrodden, my path that i take involves small steps, my journey through your world and mine is only in it's infancy. i will not raise a mental barrier between us because life is too precious, way too short to be fearful of oneself and of others who may be different on the outside and inside, maybe what is of little importance to some, is of great importance to another...there should be no regret in yesterdays' past. i agree to disagree with others but realistically, others may not be so civil, and still not be able to look at themselves in the mirror, and find that you and i are the same. we all bleed, we all love, we all are born and we all die and sometimes i wonder if people even realise that as a human species, we are insects to Gaia. why some of us think we are above others of our species will always confound me...but again, these are just my thoughts for these few minutes...and they will appear and disappear like the clouds in the sky.

Also, Rhodora's post on Wednesday, 7-19-06 "consciousness"
coincided a bit with my thoughts for today, and also her and Poisan's "meaning of life" discourses have my mind flowing...

There's an exquisite and beautiful painting by Alex Grey called Universal Mind Lattice (from Sacred Mirrors, The Visionary Art of Alex Grey) which is another reminder of how even on the invisible, subatomic (smaller particles of matter too) that we are all interconnected, and that the phrase "we are what we think" also applies to physics etcetera.

The accompanying text for Universal Mind Lattice is...

"Thine own consciousness, shining, void, and inseparable from the Great Body of Radiance, hath no birth, nor death, and is the Immutable Boundless Light.

~Padmasambhava, The Tibetan Book of the Dead~

1 Water of Life, 2 Red Dragon Lady

2006-07-18T20:53:00.000-07:00

Water of Life
blue eyes symbolizes calm
cool waters clarity sapience
also blue lotus
nymphaea cerulea
dragon symbolizes sexuality
primordial powers energy
electrochemical processes

Red Dragon Lady
fire chaos
blood is life
satiation in
rage hunger
thirst danger

Will be in Austin....

2006-07-17T16:07:00.000-07:00

Will be in Austin September 16th through the 21st....

Okay the flights were booked today but the forces of goodness willing, I'll be in Austin from Saturday September 16th (around 5pm?) and then flying back September 21st which is a Thursday....

more information to come as soon as everything is confirmed, flight number etcetera

also i've stopped drinking to cleanse out my system
for a while because really

all of my asshole/douchebag/angry calling decent
people hillbillies and other foul descriptive names
being angry with my friend (who probably hates my guts right now) and then deleting her from here...
all under tremendous amounts of alcohol intoxication...another downside when consuming vast amounts of alcohol is absolutely NO creative
productivity with music or visual designs...only drunk
ramblings of a mean, sarcastic, bitchy, riot girl who seeks blood and chaos....so i have to apologize to those who are different, yet the same as me and realize how my words may have inflicted suffering to those who don't deserve it...

soon after this i shall also quit smoking cigs...which will be harder but can and will be done...

back to green tea/chamomile and much more introspection and moving meditations...
creative expressions for healing myself/others/Gaia and all sentient beings....

much love,
Supa

thanks rhodora and ce

2006-07-17T16:03:00.000-07:00

href="http://www.dailyom.com" target="_blank">

July 17, 2006
Effort And Understanding
Having It Easy

Our lives are an exercise in facing challenges. We dream the grandest of dreams as youngsters only to discover that we must cultivate copious inner strength and determination in order to meet our goals. Our hard work does not always yield the results we expect. And it is when we find ourselves frustrated by the trials we face or unable to meet our own expectations that we are most apt to take notice of those individuals who appear to accomplish great feats effortlessly. Some people's lives seem to magically fall into place. We can see the blessings they have received, the ease with which they have attained their desires, their unwavering confidence, and their wealth. But, because we can never see the story of their lives as a whole, it is important that we refrain from passing judgment or becoming envious.

Throughout our lives, we glimpse only the outer hull of others' life experiences, so it's tempting to presuppose that the abundance they enjoy is the result of luck rather than diligent effort. In a small number of cases, our assumptions may mirror reality. But very few people "have it easy." Everyone must overcome difficulties and everyone has been granted a distinctive set of talents with which to do so. An individual who is highly gifted may nonetheless have to practice industriously and correct themselves repeatedly in order to cultivate their talents. Their myriad accomplishments are more likely than not the result of ongoing hard work and sacrifice. You, no doubt, have natural abilities that you have nurtured and your gifts may be the very reason you strive as tirelessly as you do. Yet others see only the outcome of your efforts and not the efforts themselves

Our intellects, our hearts, and our souls are constantly being tested by the universe. Life will create new challenges for you to face each time you prove yourself capable of overcoming the challenges of the past. What you deem difficult will always differ from that which others deem difficult. The tests you will be given will be as unique as you are. If you focus on doing the best you can and making use of the blessings you have been granted, the outcome of your efforts will be a joyous reflection of your dedication.

i love my mom

2006-07-14T15:49:00.000-07:00

before i forget
fleeting thoughts
cirrus but not so cirrus
thoughts
remember
words are words
life is love is life is love

i love my mom
i love her so much
that if she asked me to
give her one of my crusted lungs
i would totally do it
for her no questions asked

see
mom is birth
gift of this life
out of love
sacrifice

without words she
the splendid and beautiful she
exists
in pain in self sacrifice
in love she has given
birth to a
lowly little heathen
me

i cannot tell you
but may in days or years
or moons to come
if they come

but i WILL
tell you
how i love her
would tear bits pieces
of flesh bone blood
to heal her
to give to her
to ease any suffering
others may inflict upon her

she is my mother
she is also gaia
she is also life and death
she is mother

nourishing replenishing
humble shrewd
many may find her
ignorant or uneducated
however
she is mother
has powers beyond
your little mind
beyond academics
beyond time space illusions
she is epitome
mother life death
all in HER hands
beautiful
eternal
my mother

i love you mom!

just for the record

2006-07-14T15:29:00.000-07:00

Really I was only joking around
about going out to take photos of
the carnival/county fair here
in the wide open spaces of Paradoxville

the server is too busy at myspace
to post that comment also

this of course is in reference to
hillbillies, rednecks, missing teeth
inbred type folks that one may
find at most locations in any parts
of the world

Joking around folks...besides...
the weather in these parts is
going to be around 100 degrees
SO...

Not sure if the "beer garden"
should be visited at high noon
this weekend? Probably not.

See...this is what I mean about
humor, and not taking everything
so seriously...taking life seriously
but humor...ah...what one may find
hilarious and face hurting one laughs
too much...and another offensive, mean
even malicious....is all a matter of
personal perspectives and interpretations

just fleeting thoughts...

smiling kitty bathing in the sunlight

2 tomatoes
rocking music squirrels
austin in september
omaha in august
paid vacation

cheap rum
good smokes

hot days and nights
appreciation for all
and everyone
smiles laughter
all around

mom calling about
picking up some
collard greens

i love you mom!
tomorrow

tonight
relaxation
ingestion of rest
quiet

appreciation
moving meditations

data electrochemical stimulations
via intra-internet pathways...
ah...satiations....fulfillment
solitude alone

freedom peace love

Bowl of Saki 2006-13-7

2006-07-13T13:33:00.000-07:00

Praise cannot exist without blame; it has no existence without its opposite.

Bowl of Saki, by Hazrat Inayat Khan

Commentary by Pir-o-Murshid Inayat Khan:

There is a pair of opposites in all things, and in each there exists the spirit of the opposite: in man the quality of woman, in woman the spirit of man, in the sun the form of the moon, in the moon the light of the sun. The closer one approaches reality, the nearer one arrives at unity.

from http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/XIV/XIV_2_13.htm

Life is differentiated by the pairs of opposites.

from http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/say/gayan_boulas.htm

Praise cannot exist without blame, for nothing has existence without its opposite, just as pleasure cannot exist without pain. No one can be great and not small; no one can be loved and not hated. There is no one who is hated by all and not loved by some-one; there is always someone to love him. If one would realize that the world of God, His splendor and magnificence, are to be seen in the wise and the foolish, in the good and the bad, then one would think tolerantly and reverently of all mankind

from http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/IX/IX_29.htm

How does the Sufi struggle? He struggles with power, with understanding, with open eyes, and with patience. He does not look at the loss; what is lost is lost. He does not think of the pain of yesterday; yesterday is gone for him. Only if a memory is pleasant does he keep it before him, for it is helpful on his way. He takes both the admiration and the hatred coming from around him with smiles; he believes that both these things form a rhythm within the rhythm of a certain music; there is one and two, the strong accent and the weak accent. Praise cannot be without blame, nor can blame be without praise. He keeps the torch of wisdom before him, because he believes that the present is the echo of the past, and that the future will be the reflection of the present. It is not sufficient to think only of the present moment; one should also think where it comes from and where it goes. Every thought that comes to his mind, every impulse, every word he speaks, is to him like a seed, a seed which falls in this soil of life, and takes root. And in this way he finds that nothing is lost; every good deed, every little act of kindness, of love, done to anybody, will some day rise as a plant and bear fruit.

from http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/VI/VI_12.htm

~~~ Praise cannot exist without blame; it has no existence without its opposite.

Bowl of Saki 2006-9-7

2006-07-09T03:20:00.000-07:00

While man rejoices over his rise and sorrows over his fall, the wise man takes both as the natural consequences of life.

Bowl of Saki, by Hazrat Inayat Khan

Commentary by Pir-o-Murshid Inayat Khan:

It makes no difference to me if I am so praised that I am raised from earth to heaven, nor if I am so blamed that I am thrown from the greatest heights to the depths of the earth. Life to me is an ever-moving sea in which the waves of favor and disfavor constantly rise and fall.

from http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/say/gayan_gamakas.htm

In sorrow one may look to God, and in joy one may thank Him. One does not bemoan the past, nor worry about the future; one tries only to make the best of today. One should know no failure, for even in a fall there is a stepping-stone to rise; but to the Sufi the rise and fall matter little. One does not repent for what one has done, since one thinks, says, and does what one means. One does not fear the consequences of performing one's wish in life, for what will be, will be.

from http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/I/I_I_2.htm

What will rise must fall, and what will fall must rise. Rise and fall are natural to life. No rise is permanent, or fall lasting. It is reality behind it all which is steady and dependent. ... Life is one living stream, continually running without beginning or end. Death is man's illusion. The change that hides man's existence from him he calls death. Life is still, but its flow, which is ever-moving, rises and fall in waves; it is this that created an illusion of rise and fall. All this we see is the manifestation of one Spirit in many and varied forms.

from http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/XII/XII_III_1.htm

The quality of the saints is to be resigned to all that comes -- but then they do not even form a wish. They take all that comes, flowers or thorns; everything that comes, they take it. They look into thorns and see that they are flowers. With praise and with blame they are contented. They are contented with rise and fall; they take all that comes, they take life as it is.

from http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/XIV/XIV_6.htm

~~~ While man rejoices over his rise and sorrows over his fall, the wise man takes both as the natural consequences of life.

today's photoshop masterpiece Charlie Chan's Angels

2006-07-08T11:25:00.000-07:00

Bowl of Saki 2006-8-7

2006-07-08T08:43:00.000-07:00

While man judges another from his own moral standpoint, the wise man looks also at the point of view of another.

Bowl of Saki, by Hazrat Inayat Khan

Commentary by Pir-o-Murshid Inayat Khan:

A mystic removes the barrier that stands between himself and another person by trying to look at life not only from his own point of view, but also from the point of view of another. All disputes and disagreements arise from people's misunderstanding of each other. Mostly, people misunderstand each other because they have their fixed points of view and are not willing to move from them. This is a rigid condition of mind. The more dense a person is, the more fixed he is in his own points of view. Therefore, it is easy to change the mind of an intelligent person, but it is most difficult to change the mind of a foolish person once it is fixed. It is this dense quality of mind which becomes fixed on a certain idea and that clouds the eyes so that they cannot see from the point of view of another person.

from http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/X/X_2.htm

The condition today is that people are rich, they have all convenience and comfort -- but what is lacking is understanding. Home is full of comfort, but there is no understanding, there is no happiness. It is such a little thing, and yet so difficult to obtain. No intellectuality can give understanding. This is where man makes a mistake: he wants to understand through his head. Understanding comes from the heart. The heart must be glowing, living. When the heart becomes feeling then there is understanding, then you are ready to see from the point of view of another as much as you can see from your own point of view.

from http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/VIII/VIII_1_20.htm

Is it not amusing to think that the foolish person disagrees more with others than the wise? One would think that he knows more than the wise one. The wise one agrees with both the foolish and the wise; he is ready to understand everybody's point of view. It may not be his idea, his way of looking, but he is capable of looking at things from the point of view of others. It is not one eye that sees fully; to make the vision complete two eyes are needed, and so the wise one can see from two points of view. If we do not keep away our own thoughts and preconceived ideas, if we cannot be passive and desirous of seeing from the point of view of another, we make a great mistake.

from http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/XIV/XIV_2_19.htm

~~~ While man judges another from his own moral standpoint, the wise man looks also at the point of view of another.

ah........

2006-07-07T22:08:00.000-07:00

miscommunication very easy when not understanding or aware
of another's humor or unaware of exactly in which context
another is stating or trying to put into the exact meanings
of sentences and phrases

for example

my friend Zach

if one were to only communicate with him
only through instant messaging or emails
one may not know he has a very sarcastic
self depracating sense of humor
like myself, so another may find him
unappealing or be offended, angry
with him without even knowing him
or having met him, in person
but if one were to be together
in person with him, become friends
with him, interact with him
you would realize in his tone of voice
or body language, facial expressions, smiling
laughing....that many times, he is just
joking around, making fun of himself
or pretending to be serious, but he is not
serious, because he starts laughing about
something or teasing you, getting you to
think he is being serious about what
conversations you may be having with him
but he is not serious at all...merely jesting
poking at you or bringing something to light
and then you go "ah ha!! hahahahahaha"
i love him for being him! he's so funny
and a big sweetheart too...

i think that is one of downfalls, negative aspects
of trying to "really get to know someone or people"
only by emails or instant messaging
exchange of pictures etcetera
perhaps it would be different if one were
able to communicate via realtime audio and video
feeds, because at least, then, you'd
be able to get a more clearer idea of what the person
is going to be like in real life, in person, or if you really
ever want to meet whoever it is you're communicating
with for going out on a date, social functions, gatherings,
even for business and professional aspects
at least, you'd know or would be able to sense
who a person really is in that format
audio video realtime communications

another thing that is annoying with only online
instant messaging, blogs, journals, emails only
is that it really can't describe the physical world
or what type of sensory information, data
surroundings what is really going on
in the outside physical world, when one is
only communicating through those mediums
one doesn't know what psychological or
physical stresses another may be experiencing
or not experiencing
it is so hard to really "know" another
only through "this"

who knows, the guy or gal you're instant
messaging getting ready for a hot date
with next upcoming weekend
could be a rapist, murderer, pyschopath
conman/conwoman, identity thief etc.
just as extreme worst case examples

now, most of the people i know
friends i've actually socialized with
partied with, dinner, barbecues,
social activities with, great conversations
with, in "real life", most of them
have very active lives, socially,
personally, family lives or are
also active in community events
"outside of the computer"

now when i state that i don't have much
of a social life here, it is because
i'm not into the whole dive bar scene
and i don't play sports or bowl...
and there is not a bookstore or coffee shop
here to "hang out" at either
also i'm not in any church type
organizations groups either
but there are a lot of things
to DO either with others
or alone by oneself
which to me, is awesome
i do get invited to go out for a few
drinks, dinners, whatever
a lot actually
or friends co-workers, family will stop by
now and then if they're not busy
or whatnot when i'm home
and you wonderful folks in Omaha
and surrounding areas are not far away
either, August...August, I'm coming!

there are many options here
go for a walk, hiking along
the nature trails and parks
take photographs
enjoy the natural landscape
gardening...so much to do
outdoors and also inside

when writing, posting, emailing
if i'm feeling icky, having hard times
it is usually over with, negative
emotions, in a short amount of time,
you laugh cry whatever, deal with it
confront it, whatever it is,
let it go, move on
or in the case with insomnia
recently, it was because of internal
struggles as well as external forces
such as, neighborhood canines barking
all night, people next door yelling
tactile stress at the workplace
i'm not in the best physical
condition that i could be in
but i'm working on it heehee
worries about blah blah blah
this and that, personal challenges,
and other people thrown in the mix

but if you are like me
you learn how to deal with
cope with such aspects of living
through self analyzation, introspection
questioning oneself, meditating
letting go, putting down burdens
exercising, eating fresh fruits vegetables
and putting forth conscious efforts into
changing the outside and inside of
physical self....to adapt, learn, grow
move on, let go, move forward
to the best of one's abilities

freeform ranting
recently and a few
years ago i'd read
a number of articles about relationships
relationships not just with friends
family members, personal, professional
but also romantic, sexual relationships

"relationships are organic"

that statement stuck out
another site also made some
valid points saying that
people need to spend actual
physical, flesh and blood
quality "time together"
to get to know one another
before getting into a romantic
type relationship, if that is
what one is going for
friendships must be fostered
open, honest communications
necessary, questions asked
or whatever it is you want or
need, be upfront about it
be realistic, don't expect
don't assume

there is just way too much
that is left out of living life
to the fullest

so that is why i just can't
only rely on emails, instant messaging
in trying to get to know someone
that may be a compatible partner
lifemate, lover, whatever
hey, not that i care about that
madness anymore
i've faced that part of myself
and i'm selfish to a certain
extent too, what can i say?

i'm an organic person, a sensual woman
talk to me on the phone, maybe go out
to dinner or a walk in the park
have coffee or tea at a nice restaurant or cafe
i'll fly, drive, take a bus to where you are
or you come and meet me half way
or you fly, drive, take a bus, hitchhike
and interact, flesh and blood, laugh
smile, cry, whatever....organic
no longer have feelings for words
or pictures, that is only projections
there is so much more to people
and to life than "this"

i don't live my life trapped
in "this"
this is a tool, an extension
gateway, pathway, connection
but it cannot and will not
take the place of actual
living, having a physical body
to taste, hear, feel, see, BE
well, at least, that is all
in my humble opinion hehe
also, sometimes the occassional
bout of aphasia acts up
so while the taking walk
crat meows the snogs
making that nose bark bark bark
brought in the side
yes
indeed

dealing with reality

2006-07-07T14:24:00.000-07:00

life is beautiful
it is moment to moment
it is driving at 80 miles an hour
windows open
countryside scents and scenery
passing by

life is personal perspectives
beyond introspections observations
manifested in physiological
sensory information

one cannot live in "this"
"this" is only freeform thoughts
thoughts manifested in words
to the best of one's abilities
as only descriptions
clouds transforming mutating changing
always changing

not literal only in words

ah....however...
life exists beyond "this"
interactions with others
sans distinctions symbols
metaphors, synonyms, antonyms
real not real beyond dualities

why question what is already
beyond "this"

dealing with reality

my reality?

fulfilling, beautiful, hard, truth difficult at times
up front, difficult at times, seeing others for
who they are
difficult at times, yes

but is better than living in
one's mind, fantasies...

my life is well, always changing

niece's birthday yesterday
brother in law recovering
from fall from roof
sister well
niece is 9 years old!
other niece fears butterflies and moths

mother is best cook in the world
brothers talented, too many ways

days differ
moments differ

why live in computer or television?

outside so much to experience?

today, grocery store
car accident
lady from work, elderly woman too
both not injured
bad day at work she say
what more could go wrong she say

thankyou older german co-worker
for always working very hard
you are adopted grandmother
one has not had honor of
being with other grandmother
for very long other Thai
grandmother gone long
before birth
thankyou adopted grandmother
for gifts of 2 small zuchinis
delicious green beens
from your garden

thankyou kindness generosity
of friends, kindredspirits,family, strangers
plant and animal friends, spirit guides
near and far
who understand we all need
love, tenderness, kindness
compassion, empathy
sustenence

recpricocity
this is all our world
if not shown in actions
or by examples
kindness spirit of words
sent
"thinking of you"
"love you friend"

outside, literally, outside, hot and humid
tomato actually growing!

why fear change or others
or life
too beautiful to resist

goodnight words
more visual designs later

much better to live fully in
each moment
than to regret
to hate what one cannot change

what one can change
is only within

adapt change move
flow, beyond "this"
go and live

dirty dumplings drunken ramblings

2006-07-06T16:33:00.000-07:00

Shaolin Soccer background noises
dirty dumplings
drunken ramblings
not really here
but here
not so much "here"

not really happy
why words such enemies
little brained aphasia me
little drama
little tragedy

just that words
do me so wrong
wrong words
wrong phrases
self depracation
miss interpretations

free form ramblings
not physiological
existence

she has done me in
she knows
i have done myself in
didn't know her or me

less we know of
one another
i know me
she know her?

why she think
she is not beautiful
or enchanting
or beyond her thoughts
in her words
in her mind
she is perfect

she may make me bleed
make me selfish
for wanting all that is
beautiful and joyous for her

is she me
where does words end
where does existence
begin

recommend then
beyond right and wrong
beyond this and that

beyond all we both
think we know
which is little
so little
indeed

stomach gurgling
little nieces
little sister
mother
we are all interconnected
and love for you
has diminished
all that was wrong
into all that could be beautiful
indeed